Why halo sucks

  1. The perfect fuelEver notice how the Warthog and Scorpion tank never run out of fuel? Don’t you think that’s rather odd? Apparently, Bungie Studios has discovered the secret to an eternal fuel source and isn’t telling us.

  2. Support for tyrannyThe UNSC Marines are portrayed as “good guys,” despite the fact that they work for an organization with origins in today’s United Nations, an evil worldwide dominion which interferes with the affairs of peace-loving states such as Iraq and North Korea.

  3. Profiling ICaptain Jacob Keyes eventually finds himself entrapped inside a giant Flood “blob.” This is an obvious attempt to mock the former weight condition of Subway Diet champion Jared Fogle.

  4. Profiling IIThe Covenant races are all stereotyped; for example, the Grunts are always short and cowardly, whereas the Hunters are always strong and stupid. Is this the kind of perspective of other races we want or kids to grow up with?

  5. Profiling IIIUNSC Navy crewmen are all portrayed as “cowardly fools” in an obvious attempt to weaken US Navy morale
    .6. You can’t hug your children with nuclear armsA nuclear device is used to destroy Halo and save all life in the galaxy. This runs contrary to the fact that nuclear weapons are evil.

  6. False advertisingAn advertisement for a colony ship is found on the level “Pillar of Autumn,” yet Bungie Studios owns no such colony ship. To me, this smacks of fraud.

  7. Phony Physics IThe UNSC Pillar of Autumn is supposed to have a drive system capable of faster-than-light travel. Yet Einsten’s theory of relativity proves that matter cannot travel faster than light.

  8. Phony Physics IIThe Master Chief is somehow able to lift massive objects such as tanks. Apparently, Bungie Studios would have us believe that he is some sort ofsuperhero or cyborg.

  9. Phony Physics IIIThe Master Chief is able to see the outside world through his visor, yet we cannot see his face through his visor. What does he have to hide, and, most importantly, how is this possible?

  10. Phony Physics IVSir Isaac Newton showed that objects are gravitationally attracted to each other’s centers of mass. The center of mass of Halo is in the center of the ring, yet the Master Chief is obviously attracted to the ring’s surface when in fact he and the rest of the objects on the ring should float toward its center.

  11. Phony Physics VWhen the Covenant Plasma Pistol is overcharged, it releases a bolt of plasma which homes in on its target. In fact, real glowing balls of plasma are not attracted to living tissue.

  12. Phony Physics VIThroughout the game, the Master Chief is able to cross “light bridges” to reach his destinations. However, real light does not support matter in this way–the Chief should fall through these “bridges” to his death.

  13. Phony Physics VIIOften, weapons, corpses, and vehicles disappear for no reason at all. I guess Bungie Studios thinks it can creat a magical universe where objects vanish into thin air.

  14. IrreverenceWhen his comrades die, the Master Chief never takes time to bury or cremate them, thereby showing disrespect for the dead.

  15. Don’t touch that window!Neither the Master Chief nor his allies nor his opponents is ever injured by broken glass despite the fact that glass shards are extremely sharp and dangerous. Apparently Bungie Studios is in league with various Mexican window cartels in their downplay of the dangers of glass.

  16. An Easier WayThere are undoubtedly female Marines and Naval crew aboard the Pillar of Autumn. Why doesn’t Captain Keyes use their seductive potential to neutralize the Covenant threat à la Erin Brockovich?

  17. Homage or Theft? IThe character of Cortana is similar to the AI named Durandal from theMarathon series. Can’t Bungie come up with its own ideas instead of stealing those of others?

  18. Homage or Theft? IIThe Flood is based on the voracious corporate conglomerate AOL Time Warner.

  19. Homage or Theft? IIIThe Elites’ plasma sword was stolen from LucasArts’ Star Wars Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.

  20. Homage or Theft? IVThe doomed character of Captain Jacob Keyes is based on United States 2000 Presidential nominee Alan Keyes.

  21. Homage or Theft? VThe short, scurrying Grunts are based on Utah Jazz point guard John Stockton.

  22. Homage or Theft? VI343 Guilty Spark’s betrayal of the Master Chief was stolen from Cortana’s betrayal of the Master Chief in Halo 2.

  23. Support of Eastern ReligionsEver notice that if the Master Chief dies, he is able to start over in another life? This is an obvious allusion to the Hindu tenet of reincarnation.

  24. The Grunts are Hindu tooSometimes when a Grunt finds he has a plasma grenade attached to his body, he will yell, “Not again!” Are we to believe that he has been killed by a plasma grenade in a previous life?

  25. Rock and Roll All Night?Often, while the Master Chief is battling Covenant and Flood, ambient music will begin to play with no apparent source. I guess Bungie doesn’t realize that in real life, music doesn’t play out nowhere when dramatic things happen.

  1. Leaving the BodyWhenever the Master Chief enters a vehicle, he is suddenly able to see himself from outside his own body, apparently undergoing a near death experienceevery time he gets behind the wheel.

  2. The Cutting Room FloorThis game could have been improved by the inclusion of a Yellow Banshee.

  3. Corporate EvilI have recently discovered that Bungie Studios is in fact a subsidiary of the Microsoft Corporation, also known as the Evil Empire and the Mauler of Fluffy Kittens.

  4. It’s Magic!Whenever the Master Chief steps on a clear object with a colored sphere inside of it, he somehow gains abilities such as an overshield and invisibility. Sorry, Bungie, but stepping on geometric shapes does not give you super powers.

  5. What’s in a Name? IThe Truth and Reconciliation is an obvious racist jibe at “truth and reconciliation” committees formed to heal the scars of Apartheid in South Africa.

  6. What’s in a Name? IIThe Pillar of Autumn is in fact not a pillar at all but a space-faring vessel.

  7. What’s in a Name? IIIHalo is in fact not a halo at all but a giant hula hoop.

  8. Shows How Much You KnowThey’re called aliens, not Covies!

  9. Quelle CoincidenceThe Grunts speak perfect English, which is highly unlikely considering the fact that they are not English at all.

  10. Where Did He Go?When playing with two Master Chiefs in Co-op Mode, I found that one of themvanished whenever there was a cutscene. I ask you, who is in charge of quality control at Bungie?

  11. Not Appropriate for ChildrenOne of the characters in Halo remains unclothed and uncensored throughout the game. Do we really want to expose our kids to nudity at an early age and thus lead them into a life of sexual perversion? Couldn’t Bungie have at least put some underwear on 343 Guilty Spark?

  12. Funny-looking Beetles, Those…Seargent Johnson calls the Covenant “bugs,” despite the fact that they do not even resemble insects.

  13. Selective StickinessThe plasma grenade sticks easily to a person when it is thrown at him or her, yet it never sticks to the thrower’s hand.

  14. Shameless Promotion IWhenever the Chief is holding a gun in a cutscene, it is always the Assault Rifle. Does Bungie have some sort of underhanded contract withmanufacturers of heavy firearms?

  15. Shameless Promotion IICaptain Keyes is shown smoking a pipe during the level “Pillar of Autumn.” Apparently, Bungie Studios would have us believe that smoking a pipe is harmless so that we will fall into the deadly clutches of Big Tobacco and Big Marijuana.

  16. Casting IWhy couldn’t the Master Chief have been played by N*Sync pop star Justin Timberlake?

  17. Casting IIWhy couldn’t 343 Guilty Spark have been voiced by Gary Coleman?

  18. Casting IIIWhy couldn’t the nubile Cortana have been played by former US Attorney General Janet Reno?

  19. Casting IVWhy couldn’t one of the Marines have been voiced by Brian Morden?

  20. The Man with the Morphing GunStart a game in Co-op Mode, and have one player watch the other switch weapons. Note that when the Master Chief switches weapons, his first gun simply morphs into another. Also note that real guns don’t do this.

  21. Out of CharacterThe Covenant, which are supposed to be a ruthless league of alien races, also use purple vehicles, despite the fact that purple is for girls.

  22. Salary CapHow is the Master Chief meant to be a realistic character? Wouldn’t a real cyborg sign on to a professional sports team to earn big bucks?

  23. That’s Some Gene TherapyThe AI Cortana modeled her physical appearance after that of the woman she was based on. Are we supposed to believe that Dr. Halsey constantly walked around naked, exposing her purple, binary-lined skin to the world?

  24. Lack of MerchandisingWhere’s my Grunt plushie, dagnabbit?

This is just a bunch of nit-picky crap, much like that whole anti-communism thing with McCarthy and co.

wow dude i would’ve stopped around 15 but i did read the whole thing and it’s hi-larious :slight_smile:

You posted this on Bungie and it wasn’t funny then, it’s not funny now either, please don’t post this garbage here.

LOLOLOLOL Hilarious, but your jib about faster than light travel is invalid in the halo universe. The slipspace drive changes the physics allowing them to travel faster than light, it’s still all just a game, but they didn’t leave a plot hole there.

If Humans are the only ones who can activate the really important weapons and such… why do the Humans chase AFTER the Covenant to said places??? It really is as simple as sitting some battles out. But hey, wouldn’t be a story would it now?

Um, I thought it was funny. Really funny actually. I didn’t read all of it because I have a class to go to but the “magical disappearing weapons and corpses” one made me lol.

lol dont feed the troll, report and move on.

Wow. You remind me of that Mr. Literal guy from Ego raptor’s video. BTW I know you’re joking.

This lists some of the stupidist* reason Ive seen yet.