"What If" A Halo Fan Fiction

This is my first Halo fan fiction and it takes place in Halo Reach in a what if, where it goes to different subjects such as what if the covenant made a super unit of genetically altered elites. Stuff like that, so now here is my first story, I hope that you enjoy and would like to hear your thoughts.

What if the covenant made a new super weapon

The pelican docked into the new docking center to regroup with the rest of the 1st espionage squad. “Jared, good to see your alive.” The voice came from the docking bay. The voices owner was from Noah A.K.A Spartan N-027. He and two others got on to the pelican. The pilot’s voice came from the P.A. system readying for take off. “Spartans N-027, J-021, C-020, M-022 are aboard, We are ready for take off.” The Pelican began to shake as it began to fly. “Wonder where were going.” C-020/Cole said. “Don’t know.” M-022/Mckenna said. Just then Noah’s communications was getting a transmission. “This is N-027 captain of espionage 1.” The communications were inaudible but clear only in the end “- Covies are ripping us to shreds send evacuation!” The communication went dead. Suddenly the Pelican lurched and there was a stomach churning feeling and then it hit the ground.

Hope you enjoyed this first part of my fan fiction and please put what you liked or didn’t like on the comments.

> This is my first Halo fan fiction and it takes place in Halo Reach in a what if, where it goes to different subjects such as what if the covenant made a super unit of genetically altered elites. Stuff like that, so now here is my first story, I hope that you enjoy and would like to hear your thoughts.

Ok, I think it could be improved, it’s not too bad for a first attempt though, writing fiction is quite tricky.

> The pelican docked into the new docking center to regroup with the rest of the 1st espionage squad.

This doesn’t tell us too much, so you should expand on it a bit, take time to add discriptions and some point of refrence for all this.

I would try something like:
Flyboys are always late… Sierra -027 reflected as he watched the battered pelican rise towards him, the light of Cigni-Proxima glittering off it’s forward surfaces. The [name of ship] had been deployed to the Cigni-Proxima system to [mission goes here] on the system’s fourth planet, and Noah was itching to get down to the surface. A ship just didn’t feel like home. Not like the battlefied.
His squad stood arrayed behind him at parade rest, weapons prepped and ready, eager to get things on the go. He expected nothing less. The First Recon and Espionage Group NavSpecWar were some of the UNSC’s best, and the [name of enemies] would find that out soon enough.

> “Spartans N-027, J-021, C-020, M-022 are aboard, We are ready for take off.”

Spartans are often referred to as “Sierra-###” omitting the letter and just using numbers. also writing out the number is probably better than using numerals.

You just need to expand on your story really, don’t rush through, take time to talk about the characters, describe things, and try to get some motivation in quite quickly. If your readers identify with a character (motives, personality, etc) then they are more inclined to read on. Same goes for world building, visulise the scene, then try to get it down on paper (the tricky bit, I know).

All in all, good effort, but room for improvement, I hope you found my comments helpful.

Good to see someone actually willing to help with constructive criticism, rather than just flame people Fin.

As for the fiction itself, one thing that is really important when writing any sort of piece, is format. The way you structure your writing directly effects not only how people read it, but whether they read it at all. If it is all squashed into one paragraph, likelyhood is that people wont attempt to read it, as it makes it difficult to focus on particular portions of the text.

As a general rule of thumb, separate dialogue from descriptive text by placing it on another line, like so:

> The pelican docked into the new docking center to regroup with the rest of the 1st espionage squad.
> “Jared, good to see your alive.” The voice came from the docking bay. The voices owner was from Noah A.K.A Spartan N-027.

Basic syntax like that can make your piece less daunting to the eye and allows a quick mental separation of dialogue from description. The ‘TAB’ key in MSWORD pushes the line out, as I’ve done with the dialogue, not entirely necessary, but another useful tool.

I wont get into the details of your actual writing, as Fin has given you some good pointers to get you started. Just keep writing, as much as you can and you’ll eventually see leaps and bounds in your style.