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Griping and complaining about my favorite game series makes me sad. I mean, I know that most of it stems from a desire to make Halo better, but still. Too much of it and it can get a guy down. With that said, I would like to lighten the mood with a little satire and sarcasm, my favorite forms of comedy (when they’re in my favor; against me, they make me rage). Let’s fast forward a year and a half, Halo 5 has been out for a month or two. I have come from this period in time to bemoan the ruination of the latest entry in a series we’re all graced to receive in the first place. 343, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Need I make a list of all your mis-steps? That’s exactly what need I.
-The Arbiter was in the game, but his armor was pink because Microsoft wanted the game to have a relatable character for girly girls under 12 in order to sell more copies to that part of the market. He also says things like, “Now would be a great time for a tea party,” and “YOLO,” in pursuit of said market.
-The mystery character you’re all wondering about today turns out to be MC’s son, somehow concieved when Cortana physically touched him in the end of Halo 4. He shoots laser beams out of his eyes, and blames Chief for the death of his mother. How he was actually born is left on a cliff-hanger.
-Johnson is back, but after horrible burning injuries during a concert his skin is now powdery white and his nose is really slim and feminine.
-Multiplayer was just new maps in Halo Reach’s multiplayer engine.
-ONI decides to take over the universe by blockading planets, deregulating banks, and manipulating a terrible actor into killing a bunch of adorable kids with english accents.
-The entire campaign is actually just a dream rampant Cortana has as Forward Unto Dawn is still drifting out in the middle of nowhere.
-At the end of the campaign, Master Chief gains the ability to time travel back to the moment when he was physically with Cortana. As she starts fading, he uses his Forerunner powers to shove his hand into her body and grabs her AI heart, bringing her back to life as he drops the one-liner “I love you too damn much.”
-In multiplayer, there’s a $150 DLC perk that grants you a scope that automatically one-shot head-shots anybody on screen. The $300 Limited Guardian Edition allows a two-week early access to this perk. It also comes with a jar of sparkly sand from the original trailer.
-343 knew that dual wielding was widely demanded to be included, but were so set on making sure it never happened again they decided to make single-wielding-only canonical by beginning the game with a cutscene where MC gets really mad about losing Cortana, so he punches the glass centerpiece table in his dorm (did I mention he’s back in college?) and breaks his hand on the shards of glass. Oddly enough, the injury doesn’t affect his ability to pilot two-handed vehicles or play guitar with his new roommates Chugs and Dizzy Larry.
That’s just naming a few. I encourage you, my fellow time travellers, to also reveal what irks you about the latest release in the Halo saga. Let the fake anger and outrage soothe our souls in these troubling times.
lol