The Top 10 Reasons CEA will fail (that nobody saw coming)

Games Other Halo
1

Welcome to round 3 of my highly successful satire thread that spawned over at bnet and provided many laughs. Sit back, relax, get ready to laugh cause none of this is serious.

The rules are simple. I start by creating a fictitious list of horrible ways in which 343i change CEA. Then you continue the list. The funnier the better, the more insane the better.

So, get ready for …

The Top 10 Reasons Halo Anniversary Will Fail (that nobody saw coming).

  1. 95% of the cut-scenes are sung.

  2. The horrible fishing mini-game you are forced to complete half way through the second level.

  3. When ever you switch between classic/modern graphics you hear this dramatic music

  4. There’s an entire scene added that lasts for 27 minutes in which you watch Sgt Johnson noisily eat oatmeal.

  5. The title screen music of monks singing is replaced with Nickleback songs.

  6. Microsoft incorporates in game advertising. Random billboards promoting the Singing Justin Bieber Toothbrush appear around Halo and when you drive the warthog advertisements for Pizza Hut play on the radio.

  7. An overlooked glitch causes Cortana, in 2 minutes, to spew forth every bit of dialog she says over the course of the game in fast motion. She is silent for the rest of the game.

  8. During the last mission, instead of directly controlling the warthog, you have to complete 10 minute quick-time-event. (for those not familiar, a QTE is when button prompts appear on the screen which you have to press in time to succeed).

  9. Newly added Facebook functionality cannot be turned off and causes your status to constantly update any time you do ANHTHING in the game. Your profile is filled with things like “[insert your name] has crouched in Halo Anniversary, pick up you copy from a leading retailer and relive the battle today.” and “[insert your name] has picked up a Needler in Halo Anniversary, pick up you copy from a leading retailer and relive the battle today.”

  10. Marines no longer say funny lines but instead they constantly remind you to ‘stay in school’ and ‘don’t do drugs’.

Now it’s your turn. Have fun. Be creative. Make us cringe. Keep it clean.

2

i remeber this at b net, made me laugh, erm what was a funny one again,

keyes now has an mexican looking mostache and is a door keeper

3

Johnson looks like a fat Mexican…

OH WAIT

4

the engine the game is using is actually the call of duty engine that has been used for over 9000 years by the cod series.

“fans” abandon the game because it has too many glitches without realizing it’s a 10 year old game that had glitches to begin with.

5
  1. the moniter is replaced by a floating cat.
  2. in the level halo there are aprox. 10 times more dropships and enemys in the game.
    -MC’s player model will be swapped with Sergeant Johnson’s. The dialogue will remain completely the same, though (Other characters will still refer to him as the Chief, etc)

-Morgan Freeman will be hired to re-record all of MC’s spoken lines. No new lines will be added, however.

-Every time your shields have been depleted, you’ll hear MC scream out in agony. Every time they recharge, he’ll say “That was a close one.” Every. Time.

-The Covenant will no longer speak in “alien tongues.” Instead, they’ll speak Portuguese.

-Banshees are now green for some unknown reason.

-Dead bodies no longer despawn. After they’ve been down for a certain time, they’ll get up and run off the nearest cliff/ into the closest body of water.

-Captain Keyes now has an eyepatch.

-The flashlight will no longer be attached to your guns. Instead, you’ll have to hold it instead of your weapon, and you’ll be forced to sit through an 8 second reload animation whenever it runs out of batteries.

-Hunters no longer have weak spots, making them invincible.

-Guilty Spark, along with the rest of the sentinels, no longer hover. Instead, they have really long robotic legs.

-All of the game’s music has been turned into dubstep remixes.

-Foehammer’s lines were re-recorded by the 3 year old daughter of a 343 employee.

-The crouch function has been removed. Instead, clicking the left stick will make Master Chief sit down.

-Cortana will take up a majority of the screen every time she speaks during gameplay. Also, her player model will perfectly resemble Serina from Halo Wars, but only during these gameplay segments.

-Plasma pistols and rifles have been replaced by plasma arrows and tomahawks, to give the Covenant a more “tribal” feel.

-Much of Halo’s landscape has been redesigned to look volcanic and dry.

-Your character now requires food once every 11 minutes, or else you will die.

-4 Underwater levels have been added.

-The Warthog run at the end of the game has been modified. Now you must ride a bicycle, and all fleeing grunts have been replaced by wraiths. Additionally, the final hangar is completely empty, so you get to watch Chief jump out of the back of the POA, flailing his arms and legs before he hits the ground.

-If you stare at the sun for exactly a minute and 9 seconds, the whole level’s geometry (including you) will suddenly go flying towards the sun, which will then crush you against the ground. There will be 2 seconds in between the beginning of the sudden movement and the lethal crushing, during which the Chief will scream like a 12 year old boy being dropped out of an airplane.

Will update OP with other good ways that 343 could ruin CEA.

Stuff I thought of after writing the OP:

-There will be collectables throughout the campaign, but they won’t be skulls. Instead, clowns will be used.

-To encourage the player to protect his allies, the Chief will now break down and cry whenever all of the nearby marines are killed. You cannot control him while he cries, and the covenant WILL continue to shoot at you.

-Speaking of marines, about 30% of them will wear medieval knight armor. These changes will be purely aesthetic, and won’t effect gameplay at all.

-The updated graphics will rely heavily on the art style of Super Mario Sunshine.

-The motion tracker has been replaced by a small picture of a horse.

-Strange things will happen when you stand still for too long. Couches will start to float across the sky. A group of leprechauns (very small, probably half the height of a grunt) will walk by, saying things to each other like “Is he asleep?” “Hurry up before he comes back!” one of them will be pulling a small elephant by a rope.

-Flood carrier forms will have a crudely drawn smiley face across their “heads”
thats all i have for now.

6

Halo’s circular shape has been replaced with a triangle.

7

> Halo’s circular shape has been replaced with a triangle.

OH THE HUMANITY!!!

8

Halo: Comedy Evolved.

9

The song “Friday” is played on repeat in the background the entire campaign

10

When pressing the back button, instead of switching to classic mode no clipping is activated allowing chief to pass through any object in the game.

11

> The song “Friday” is played on repeat in the background the entire campaign

naa rather than sgt johnson listing to rock in the cam vid on guilty spark, he’s listing to that.

Private Manuel Mendoza: "Why do we always have to listen to this old stuff, Sarge?"
Staff Sergeant Avery Junior Johnson: "Watch your mouth, son. This “stuff” is your history. It should remind you grunts what we’re fightin’ to protect, this song is the best song in the whole archive of human entaitaiment"
Private Manuel Mendoza: "Hey… if the Covenant wanna wipe out this particular part of my history, that’s fine by me."
Private Bisenti: "Yeah… better it than us."
Staff Sergeant Avery Junior Johnson: "You ask 'em real nice next time you see 'em, Bisenti. I’m sure they’ll say hell no."
Private Manuel Mendoza: "its friday sir, they will all die if they here this crap"

12

-Human ships have been placed with Star Wars Rebel ship models, and Covenants with Empires.

-Chief will sound like Justin Bieber.

-Cortana is placed with Hal 9000 from Space Odyssey.

-Flood looks like regular Stormtroopers from SW. Also their aim is now terrible, but you can’t rip them apart.

-Halo isn’t Halo, but giant black hole.

-Forerunners are placed with name Ancients.

-Also pistol isn’t anymore pistol, it looks like Target Locator from reach and does absolully nothing but sounds; this. Also it plays during cutscenes and whole gameplay with louad as your TV’s volume can, you cant turn it off, but wrecking you xbox.

13

343 guilty spark has changed his name to 282 shameful watt. 343 industries are contemplating a namechange.

14

> 343 guilty spark has changed his name to 282 shameful watt. 343 industries are contemplating a namechange.

naa 343 has changed his name to 117

15

> > 343 guilty spark has changed his name to 282 shameful watt. 343 industries are contemplating a namechange.
>
> naa 343 has changed his name to 117

And MC is concidering sueing him

16

-In an effort to lower the ESRB rating, 343 covered Cortana by making her wear a lab coat.

-In said effort, Grunt Birthday Party is now permanently on, and activates whenever you kill anything in any way.

17

  • At the last minute, Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas intercepted the models for Halo: CEA while the soundtrack was recording at Skywalker Ranch. All guns have subsequently been changed to varying models of walkie-talkies, the word “Covenant” has been changed to “Conglomerate of other-worldly beings with varying political and religious views,” or “COWBVPRV’s” for short, and all Flood models have been changed with Ewoks.

  • The Halo Theme song is now a rendition of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song sung by Sergeant Johnson and a chorus of Marines.

“Are you ready Marines?”
“Sir yes sir!”
“I can’t heeeaaarr you!”
“SIR YES SIR!”
“Ooooo! Who fights on a Halo-ring out in deep space?”
“Master! Chief!”
“A nice shiny visor to cover his face!”
“Master! Chief!”
“If blue naked women be something you wish!”
“Master! Chief!”
“Then bail off the Autumn and hope you don’t squish!”
“Master! Chief!”
“Split-lip Aliens!”
“Ugly space-zombies!”
“Shiney blue naked chicks!”
“Halo’s the game, for meeeeee! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

18

When in updated mode everything has been remastered by Machael Bay, including animations, incindiary effects, scenery, script, and voice actors. This includes music by Hanz Zommer.

19

> - At the last minute, Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas intercepted the models for Halo: CEA while the soundtrack was recording at Skywalker Ranch. All guns have subsequently been changed to varying models of walkie-talkies, the word “Covenant” has been changed to “Conglomerate of other-worldly beings with varying political and religious views,” or “COWBVPRV’s” for short, and all Flood models have been changed with Ewoks.
>
> - The Halo Theme song is now a rendition of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song sung by Sergeant Johnson and a chorus of Marines.
>
> “Are you ready Marines?”
> “Sir yes sir!”
> “I can’t heeeaaarr you!”
> “SIR YES SIR!”
> “Ooooo! Who fights on a Halo-ring out in deep space?”
> “Master! Chief!”
> “A nice shiny visor to cover his face!”
> “Master! Chief!”
> “If blue naked women be something you wish!”
> “Master! Chief!”
> “Then bail off the Autumn and hope you don’t squish!”
> “Master! Chief!”
> “Split-lip Aliens!”
> “Ugly space-zombies!”
> “Shiney blue naked chicks!”
> “Halo’s the game, for meeeeee! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

did you do that corus ^^^ it actully sounded covining and was really good, i hope they do this

20

Lol, yeah I came up with it. And the whole time I was laughing and thinking of how funny it would actually be.