I have a very significant problem with Halo 5. But first, I should explain the backround story so you understand my circumstances. So, I’m playing Halo 5 Warzone on Apex 7. I am alone, no friends online. Except for the awkward guy who only owns a mic to occasionally share muffled coughs with random Xbox Live gamers, no one is breathing a word. I am raging hard. I’ve already died 4 times and I haven’t gotten a spartan or boss kill.
Master Chief knows I tried. I rode a Mongoose to the enemy Zealot Assassin spawn like any good teamplayer would. But my passenger “xXurmomLikEzMuFFinz” decides to abandon me and suicide into the Hunters at the Spire. I saw him die too, and imagined his chubby fingers twitching and whiping his snot infused nostrils as he made a fruitless attempt at surviving for more than 5 seconds in the prescence on the enemy. Rage leaked into my bloodstream. A powerful impulse to unleash a barrage of sarcastic skill and mother related insults rose up in me, but I quelled it. I said to myself, “It’s merely the beginning of the game, maybe he thought he would be more useful at the Spire.” I continued my way to the Zealot Assassin, hopped out early so I could get the jump on any nearby Blue, and carefully, silently walked into the cave.
The cave was void of life. I hid behind some invincible, immovable boxes and awaited the arrival of the Elites. Suddenly, a Blue burst into the cave and spotted me, unleashing a hail of Assault Rifle fire. As my shields dwindled, I panicked, got myself stuck between the silent boxes and the slimy cave wall, and my accuracy fell. I randomly thrusted into the side of the very same murderous boxes I meant to protect me, and the final Assault Rifle projectile connected with my head. My spartan body crumbled to the ground, but my human body swelled with rage. Killed by a noob!
Such unlucky and downright foolish situations occured periodically throughout the very same match. Crushed by a Mongoose. Smashed by a Remnant Hunter. Swarmed by hordes of Blues as my allies were swiftly cut down with little resistance. Assassinated by a crouched, arthritic obese elephant who refuses to extend his legs to properly lift his body. With each death my rage grew, and with each increase in rage my mouth had more expletive words to share with my coughing teammates. Before I knew it, I was 0-7.
It was at this time one cougher spoke up. “Hey man what’s your name?”
Calmly, I respond, “I’m Elemental. I’m driving a Woodland Warthog, you wanna gun? I’m near the Elite Ultra spawn.”
For some reason my direct answer wasn’t sufficient. I heard “No man, what’s your naaaame?”
This time I let my impatience show. “ElementalRunner” I respond, curtly.
“No man, you’re n-n-a-a-m-m-e-e!” He repeated, this time slowly overemphasizing “name” as if he was elaborating a word for a baby.
My anger surged, and my response was as cold and poisonous as a rattlesnake. “I’m not telling you my real name.”
At this, the mysteriously curious gamer retreated with a few mumbled words, “oh I must have…left my party…” At that, the match chat was once again silent.
I died 9 more times and my spartan body was pixally violated after each death. And that’s my story.
P.S. I hope they add a Flood themed level for Warzone, do you guys agree?