-Foreword
THIS “GUIDE” DOES NOT REFLECT MY VIEW ON THIS GAME. Pretty much all of this behavior is toxic, and a one-way ticket to a terrible reputation. I believe in, at least, a small semblance of dignity, sportsmanship, and respect (unless the would-be victim actually behaves like this, in which case they really, really, reeeaaally deserve what’s coming to them). This was mostly done for the laughs.
Enjoy, if you’d like. It’s the best I’ve got.
-Intro
Have you ever been playing on the Slayer playlist, like you always do, and think:
“Golly gee, I’d give my right arm to be good at Halo 5.”
Now, you can be! With this simple guide, you’ll be on your way to FaZe clan!
-General
-You are the center of the universe. Everyone was put on this Earth to serve you. Make sure you assert dominance by teabagging every kill.
But how do you -Yoink!- properly?
-Set your controller to “Hold to Crouch,” then click the stick as quickly as possible. This makes your Spartan jitter up and down. This is the “Teaspasm,” the worst and most humiliating brand.
-You’re here not only to show them who’s the boss, but also to make people mad. Always make them as mad as possible. That’s why you -Yoink!- after every assassination, and after the match is over, even if you lost horribly, somehow.
-Everyone else is going to drag you down. You are the best player on your team. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be killed repeatedly.
-Combat
You have a few methods of killing someone. Here are most of them.
-Mindless AR/SMG spray. This’ll always work, since these are the best guns in the game.
-Spartan Charge, then mindless AR/SMG spray will kill them before you can say “Pro Skillzz.”
-Ground Pound, then AR/SMG spray, much like the Spartan Charge combo, results in a similarly easy win.
-If you’re not sprinting at your enemy, like you should be, you can throw grenades. Throw them all. Have none left for your next fight.
-Punch twice. Instant win.
-The best grenade is the Splinter Grenade. Don’t use it for zone control like it was intended. Use it as an insta-kill. Replace your melee with this grenade.
-Plasma grenades work similarly, but slower. They can also be used in the above strategy.
-Always try to assassinate. If you see someone’s back, sprint for them, no matter the distance between you and them. They won’t see you on their radar.
-Don’t try anything else. You can’t aim a BR or Pistol, and will likely die if you try.
-If all of these don’t work, then it’s hacks. Report them immediately.
-Arena
-Only play BTB. No one will see that you’re actually a Bronze II.
-All power weapons are yours. All of the common needlers and DMRs, as well as the strong Rocket Launchers, Snipers, ARs, and SMGs, are yours. Kill anyone who takes them before you.
-Screw the objective. You’re here to make people mad.
-Amendment I: If you, for some God-forsaken reason, get your 1337 paws on a flag, make sure to charge the enemy team the moment you see them. Capturing flags is for scrubs. Real men charge with the damn thing like they were part of the US Civil War.
-K/D is all that matters. Preserve it.
-If they ever gain the lead, quit. It’s the only way to prevent a loss. Screw your teammates. Let them burn.
-Warzone
-Scout Warthog. If it’s not available, equip an AR and BR, both with Energy Bayonet (to make sure you always win fistfights), with the “Upgraded Shields” armor mod (to prevent those pesky snipers from securing a fair kill).
-Customs
-First, you’ve gotta-- Wait, you don’t get REQ points from Custom Games? How will you feed your CoD-given thirst for supply drops?
-Supply Drops
-Halo 5 is basically CoD, so REQ packs are supply drops. To maximize the number you get, play WZ Assault exclusively. Never leave it. You must get supply drops.
-Or just ask Mom for some money. That’ll work, too.
-Amendments
Some have suggested additions to the guide. Their names shall be known to all, and will be given eternal glory!
I - NINJAinTIGHTS1
Congrats!!
You have just become MLG Pro! Expect your FaZe Clan acceptance letter within the hour, but for now, grab your AR and Spartan Charge some scrubs.
EPILOGUE
Again, THIS “GUIDE” DOES NOT REFLECT MY VIEW ON THIS GAME. This was for the giggles. I do hope that someone got, at least, a chuckle out of this, and I hope no one actually takes this seriously.
Thanks for reading this… Thing.
Edit: Ammended the guide by request. Credits found in the new “Amendments” section, and further edits and additions will be shown in the guide, marked by “Amendment (X).”