Single Player Modes
“Tell my mommy I love her”
~ UNSC Marines on being stuck by plasma grenades
“I’m on you’re side! Don’t hurt me!”
~ UNSC Marines (and other AI) on Being hurt by Master Chief
In Halo 1-3 you play as Master Chief Petty Officer John S-117. His nickname is Master Chief (a play on the title he earned playing Masterchef on television) and he is a 1st class Windows tech support manager who only answers to Bill Gates. His face is never seen throughout the games and Bungie says that it is because, like Duke Nukem, if you take a look at him without glasses you will lose consciousness. He is a tool of the UNSC and in most cases the second most lame and undeveloped video game character you’ve never seen. To truly embrace the game, you must look at your gory surroundings as you wade through the Suicide Grunts and rather amusingly bad Apple Corporation attacks. You’ll be forced to finish the campaign without any assistance whatsoever from the UNSC Marines who are the basic users of the Windows 98 OS and are recruited on mass to be -Yoink-, hide in bushes and generally not do anything apart from crying for the tech support guys.
In the crappy spin off of Halo 3 called Halo 3 - ODST you play as Rookie, a lost little boy who is retracing the steps of his crew in the supercity New Mombasa. Along the way you fight minimal forces of relatively weak enemies and cry for your mother like the sad 6 year old you are. In the game there are silencers which reduce your damage, and nothing more.
In Halo Reach you play as Noble Six, the sixth member of the Noble team (Duh.) and also the only video game character lamer than Master Chief as you listen to the deep silence of his mute body. The game is set before Halo CE and is the story of how the Spartans fought for the planet Reach. In the game your team mates are no longer futuristic -Yoink- marines and instead are the worst Spartan team ever lead by Carter. Incidentally, Carter dies in a plane crash in which he collides with an enemy scorpion. He lost his license for 2 years and his no claims discount. In the end, you keep the AI, what we now know to be Windows 7 Home Professional, safe and deliver it to the Pillar of Autumn (Microsoft Headquarters). You are then left alone since nobody really cares about you enough to send a rescue shuttle.
edit Multiplayer matchmaking
You can explore the world of online multiplayer matchmaking with swearing and ‘Your Mother’ jokes being used at a rate second only to the Call of Duty series. Weapons like the Assault rifle and the Magnum do very little damage to the enemy’s Windows Firewall armor. Therefore the games multiplayer involves you searching for the sniper rifle, spartan laser and rocket launcher. An addition to the multi-player of Halo Reach are armor abilities which let you do ninja front flips, move slightly quicker, fly around, become invisible, or become invincible for a few seconds. The ability which lets you use invincibility called ‘Armor Lock’ means the game stops for a few seconds to let the player trying to kill you shout annoyed comments down the mic and throw grenades to kill you when you stop using the ability.
The multiplayer of Combat Evolved preceded Xbox Live, so to reach the games limit of 16 players, you were required to have more wires than iron man and a large number of friends to crowd around your 17.5" TV.
Halo Wars
Main Article: Halo Wars here.
StarCraft… Oh wait I mean Halo Wars is a strategy like Star Wars but there are no lightsabers and armor isn’t crap. The spin off so stupid it deserves it’s own heading. The objective of the game is to beat the other faction. The factions are the Terran Human UNSC and the Protoss Covenant. The game did not sell very well despite IGN giving it over 9000 out of 100. One of the main reasons that the game was not very successful is that is was made for the Xbox 360 and everybody knows that RTS games should be played on the Wii or the DS Lite. -Yoink- gettin testicular cancer. In this game our super awesome Spartan guys are back, but they aren’t quite as effective. Sometimes the game may glitch and give you Carter’s squad which usually results in a complete failure of that squad, wasting your precious resources and may lose you ground and time. It is really annoying to expect a real Spartan and get Carter. You may as well buy the futuristic idiot marines and send them into the bushes to do the minimal amount of damage possible.