Halo Insurgency

Community General Discussion
1

Hello everybody, my name is Aaron but I go by my online alias, NightHawk. I just wanted to say that I am currently working on a fanfic blog and I am trying to get the word out and I’m hoping to somewhat gain something of a following. Everyone I’ve sent it to so far has loved it. I’m sure some will love it, other will hate it, and the rest will probably be indifferent. So if you could please take a moment of your time to read it, I’d greatly appreciate it. All feedback is welcomed positive or negative. Ideas/Suggestions are also welcomed. If anyone happens to find discrepancies or anything that doesn’t fit the cannon, let me know with proof that it is wrong. I only ask you cite your source if you do and I will fix it asap. Here’s a short synopsis.

The story is centered on a teenager, Jason Reaves. Jason Reaves is part of a new breed of supersoldiers known as Paladins and his mission is to combat a rebel group who got ahold of forerunner technology.

and for those of you wondering what Paladins are, they are a creation of my own and here is a short description

Paladins were created as a way of fighting insurgents during the Human-Covenant war. Project Paladin was created using the notes and methods created by Dr. Halsey. The Paladins were given the same training as Spartans but were spared the augmentations and given less armor to keep the cost down.

I ask that you give my story a chance to develop a little more before making any critical statements like “this sucks”

Thank you all for reading this. The link to the blog will be listed below

EDIT (9/25/15): I have since done a MAJOR writing overhaul on my fanfic blog. I have made changes according to the feedback given. Feel free to check it out.

2

Bit of a grammar nitpick:

> “I’m doing fine.” Answered Jason timidly

Should be:

> “I’m doing fine,” answered Jason timidly.

Minor thing, I know, but it seems worth pointing out. There are also quite a few errors, like misuse of apostrophes and sometimes the same things being repeated over and over again, which is like saying the same things over again, which is repetition and can quickly become annoying when the same things are said, over and over again, which-

Alright, I’ll stop, sorry.

> he is really not that bad once you get to know him”

Odd considering Brittany and Dominick met like an hour ago.

> “All Data systems have been purged, would you like to initiate the self-destruct system now?”

I think this in media res just gave me whiplash. It comes out of nowhere.

> “Jason, might I make a suggestion? The Covenant usually rely technology, so an EMP grenade would make quick work of their shields leaving easy kills, hopefully.”
> “It’s worth a shot” Jason switched the vision mode on his helmet to infrared and threw a smoke grenade. This would at least give him a chance of surviving.

He’s advised to throw an EMP grenade… so he throws a smoke grenade. Also, “rely ON technology”

> He heard muffled voices just as everything went black.

I thought the base was about to explode? How did they possibly escape that?

> “Not a secret, no. But the project was kept behind a closed curtain.

Translation: “It’s not a secret, but it’s a secret.”

> “A spook?” asked Agent Ambrose inquisitively.

How can she not what that means?

> “I find you attractive I’ll tell you that much.”

This is pretty creepy; they just met and they’re in a professional environment.

> “We need to go look for Agent Ambrose.” Said Morgan.

Why? Where’s everybody else gone?

> “That’s not possible, no rebel force is strong enough, or smart enough to take down a UNSC ship, let alone a destroyer.”

Yes, they are.

> “If only I still had a mouth” sighed Percival.

And he must scream. Seriously, though, this line makes NO sense. Is he supposed to be AM? Because I have no idea what he’s on about.

But for all the nitpicking, I didn’t think it was actually that bad. The switching between Jason in the future and Jason with his squad is interesting, but I don’t think it’s executed as well as it could be because we have no idea when they are in relation to each other until Jason tells us how old he is, about four chapters since the two timelines began. Plus, the guy basically just told us how the Squad plotline ends; they kill Blackwood and everybody dies. I’d say either make it more consistent (Switch plotlines each chapter) or just tell it in chronological order.

6/10. It’s alright, I suppose. It isn’t amazing, but neither it is bad. Middle of the road. Sorry, but hey, if you have fun writing it, that’s all that really matters.

3

I like it so far. Keep up the good work!

4

@Oni recon bravo thanks for all of the input, it means a lot and I mean that in a sincere way. I don’t really mind all the “nitpicking”, if it helps make the story better, by all means, nitpick away.

As an inexperienced writer I know that my work isn’t flawless and still needs a ton of work. (Its amazing I even got into college.) I really do appreciate you taking the time to point out all of this. It feels good to have an outside opinion and I’m not offended in the slightest. I’ll fix everything as soon as I have time. Like I said, this is still in a pre-production state of sorts and I’m just doing a trial run on this. Thanks again for the input.

5

My advice? Tone down the crazy -Yoink-.

You’ve certainly gone whole hog, especially with the new breed of super soldiers called Paladins. Though I suspect your mind was exploding with awesomesauce at the time of its conception.

Try something more grounded, more realistic. I don’t feel anything for these characters.

6

@Flugel Meister Thanks for your contribution, but a few things:

  1. Explain what you mean by “grounded”, and how would you suggest I keep it “realistic”? The story is using the same logic as the Spartan project just on a smaller scale, I don’t see how you can get more realistic than that.

  2. I’m pretty sure you don’t feel anything for the characters yet because I haven’t developed them completely. The story is still in its alpha stages as of now, therefore I only have a few pages worth of (crappy) underdeveloped writing. I posted it here as a way to get outside opinions.

Once again, thanks for your input.

7

1) Grounded: The whole Paladin thing seems indulgent. And by realistic I’d suggest removing a lot of the dialogue.

2) In the early stages you should be planning. So start with a rough idea for a story. I realise some writers don’t plan at all, they just write what comes to them. But even that requires some organisation further down the line.

2 cont) Once the planning is done and you’ve chosen your characters, then write out a rough draft. Even in the rough draft your characters should start coming together. You’ve made the same mistake that a lot of people on here do: putting the story before the characters. The characters are the eyes and ears of the reader, if they don’t work then your readers won’t see, hear or speak properly when reading.

The first two parts listed at the top of the blog are filled with dialogue. And dialogue is a good thing, but here it’s overpowering. To be blunt, is this a story or a conversation?

That’s what people will start reading first, because it’s the first thing listed. While some will scroll down to the very first chapter, which has a nice introduction but you skirt the edge of going too far with adverb-heavy description.

But I’m four paragraphs in before anything happens. The earlier parts are just exposition. But after that fourth paragraph all I’m greeted with is dialogue. Again, is this a story or a conversation.

You have to realise that characters in books don’t talk like real people. They don’t sit there for three hours chatting away drinking coffee or tea, dunking biscuits until the packet is empty. They’ll briefly inform, without revealing too much, and then they set things in motion.

You explain far too much, and use far too much dialogue. When you do use exposition it also comes in a big chunk instead of being mixed in, providing a balance. Too much of either one simply becomes a chore to read, unless it’s written in such a way that you want to read on. And I’m afraid that doesn’t happen here.

Try a much shorter piece. Don’t explain everything, don’t talk about everything. Let the reader make up their own mind with regards to valuable and important information. Subtext is best for this – things that are suggested or hinted at through dialogue, body language or exposition. Not talking can be subtext, if used correctly. Look it up to get a better understanding.

You’re committed and that’s commendable. But you should also commit to providing a balance.

Additionally, if this is a ‘crappy’ piece then why is it on your blog? You should be coming here for advice and comments before posting it on your blog. You should be using the finished product.

Lastly, don’t take this to heart, don’t take it personally. Honesty is the best weapon in a writers’ arsenal; the honesty of those who read it. I know it can sound harsh or hurtful but once you get over that initial shock and see what the reader sees, it can be liberating and allows you to see your writing in a different light.

I was offended the first time anyone questioned a novel that I was writing. They said the first chapter was boring, uneventful. And I didn’t like the comments. But after a day or so I read the comments again and looked through my work. They were right.

Now I see writing, both my own and others’, in a different light, I see it far more objectively.

Take a look at the large amount of dialogue in your story and ask yourself this: should a lengthy conversation be the cornerstone of your entire story?

8

Heads up, I’ve updated my blog. Any new feedback is welcomed.