Hi Folks, here are the results for the 2nd competition.
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1st: Ran and shaiA clear winner. And you edited the shift in perspective before the closing date. That was going to be the only point against the entry. Nice and short, straightforward and to the point. You set the scene, the characters and the underpinning subtext of the invasion. Nothing is gratuitous here. And, more importantly, you make it matter. Well done. If I had to nitpick it would be the quite precise description of sizzling projectiles. I would have described the noise and left it that. But a great entry nonetheless.
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2nd: ML526I found this story oddly entertaining. It starts with a statement, which is good, and continues to keep the story moving with a mix of dialogue, exposition a little bit of description – too little for my liking. But there is a fair bit of telling here, but you’ve managed to break it up with other elements and keep the story moving. Clunky in parts, but promising.
Unfortunately, the other submissions didn’t convince me to award third place. There was an abundance of tell and not show, which isn’t good for story writing. But don’t worry, these competitions are here to help you progress as a writer.
In no particular order here are my critiques for the other entries:
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NIC 020You must remember to break up your entry with spaced paragraphs. The format may have previously been indented for each paragraph, but Waypoint doesn’t allow you to do that, so spacing it is best here. You start with a frenzied rush to escape but then regress into the father’s life story of what he wanted to do. The other issue is that only the dog has a name and the parents’ change from mom-mom and pop-pop to Mom and Dad. Choose one and stick with it. You must be consistent. Again, a lot of telling and little showing.
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PainfulOrb15This seems to a reoccurring thing for the second contest, show and tell. In writing a story or a novel, you should always strive to show more than you tell. And unfortunately you do a lot of telling. The soldier in the first paragraph, for example, isn’t described to me other than being a ‘bloodied soldier’. That would have been a great way to introduce the Heather as she watches the soldier slowly bleed to death. It would be harrowing as she sees the life drain out of him, instead of reflecting on previous events with her mother. The opening itself needs to be bolder. You were sort of on track in doing that, but got lost in the realm of telling me everything instead of describing the environment and the soldier to me, so I can picture him in my head. But be careful not to flood the reader with description. Add dialogue and weave it with exposition and description. Keep at it.
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P1ay4OURFUNSadly, this entry falls outside the criteria. No Spartan perspectives were to be used during this contest, in order to avoid participants falling into the trap of clichéd and trope-centered writing. For future contests, ensure you fully read and understand the contest criteria.
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RuthlessSkate94Like the story before, this one also falls into the quagmire of trying to accurately convey what a young child thinks and says during a Covenant invasion. Try to remember that teenagers and adults alike will read this, so it should be perceived as a child’s viewpoint and yet retain enough coherent language and description to make it easy to read, understand and enjoy. A good effort, though. You should also use a new paragraph for when another person speaks.
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LoneSkyWolfWhen writing from a child’s perspective you have to realise that how a child thinks and speaks doesn’t always work in a novel or story. In fact, how people speak in published work isn’t the same as how people genuinely talk to each other. The tone and language used here is a bit too childish to make it consistent and it’s almost abstract throughout. At times it becomes incoherent, Most of all, though, it tells the whole story instead of showing. Additionally, the opening could be bolder, more decisive. Keep at it.
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SpitFlameThe best way to open a story is to start with something that will immediately grip the reader, which means they won’t want to put your story down. The problem here is you open with a slight contradiction and then describe something that seems fairly ordinary. The time of day is problematic because the suggested timing is typically juxtaposed. Morning and evening. Decide beforehand which it is. I’d have put the timing closer together, such as late afternoon or early evening. And then he goes to fetch water. Be bold, draw the reader in and keep them there. The best openings are ones that make a bold statement, inviting you in via curiosity or the sheer boldness of the statement. The opening to The Martian does that superbly as does The Great Gatsby. Again, the story here does a lot of telling and little in the way of showing. Give your reader the opportunity to explore and interpret what’s going on. Keep at it!
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Sp00kyM0nkThe main problem with this story is there’s a lot of tell and very little show. Stories do well when you set the scene and leave some interpretation for the reader to decide over. If you tell them everything that’s going on it’s much harder for the reader to enjoy it, because instead of wandering along a path the reader is being dragged along by the hand, with everything being pointed out to them. Don’t be afraid to leave some of the material up to the reader. Readers tend to be smart and will notice elements that aren’t entirely obvious. But let them discover it instead of it being pointed out like an excited schoolboy. The story itself is an interesting concept, but is sadly let down by the repeated telling of events. Good effort, though.