FE17, if I may call you that. I always appreciate an attempt at delving into the Halo universe, and I’m always interested in what a person can do and how they write.
So, here’s my critique on Halo Freefall.
Overall, the concept is interesting, it introduces a relative of Kurt. The downside is in the presentation. Don’t take this to heart, though. Take it on board and use it.
The opening scene is a little clunky. And you also commit the cardinal sin of telling instead of showing You tell us it’s hot, his physical condition, how he feels and then proceed to describe the seasons. It’s not very interesting. You need to hook your reader right from the first sentence. And for me that doesn’t happen. Instead of describing how he feels, describe what he feels. So, for instance, mention the sweat, mention the sun, but there’s no need to package the scene in such as way that there’s nothing left for me to discover.
Also, the use “it was a well-known secret”. Somewhat of an oxymoron. And everything seems surprisingly comfortable, despite the apparent uneasiness of the officer. It probably doesn’t help using that title either. What about his first name? We don’t need the surname yet, and you could even make him a civilian. Later on you also have Osman telling him he’ll being doing the task willingly or not. Surely an experienced and capable Admiral like Osman realises that it’s best to have cooperative people working for her, not liabilities or people who really don’t want to be there.
Would you have someone carrying out a very important task if they didn’t want to do it? They become a security liability.
I did a story vaguely similar several years ago, via a series of diary-like entries that covered what turned out to be John’s flash clone. The clone wasn’t a super-soldier, or gifted with extraordinary abilities or superhuman strength. He had, though, inherited John’s luck in the cloning process, which is the reason he survived. The clone retraced S-117s steps in the second battle for Earth, following John’s trail to the Forerunner array. In truth, it was a little cliché in places. Of all the places the clone could have been, he was in Mombassa.
Don’t be downbeat with this critique. Instead, use it to refine what you write. If you want I can provide examples of how you could have written it in certain places, such as at the start. Just let me know.
The best thing to do is look at a good book, read the opening paragraph. It usually starts with a statement, not what the character is doing, such as stepping out of the transport. Look at the examples that I provide in my writing guide. I feature several different ways that hugely popular novels start, such as Game of Thrones and Red Storm Rising.
Hope this helps.
