Fireteam Jaguar (Fan-Story)

Community General Discussion
1

TRANSMISSION RECIEVED:
SUBJECT: FIRETEAM SURVIVOR

FROM: SPARTAN-65287-98303-SP (Commander Palmer)
DATE: FEBUARY 17th 2559

"Macer, I am deeply saddened to tell you the news… you are the sole survivor of Fireteam Arrowhead. I hope your time in the med-bay is somewhat pleasant, you’re gonna be out of commission for a while. In the meantime I’m going to find you a new Fireteam, Take care.
-Palmer
Macer closed the message on her PDA, she knew no one else could of survived. She scrolled to her Fireteam roster, and looked at the members.
-SPARTAN-76150-098132-SP: ROBERT COOK (KIA)
-SPARTAN-89102-192061-SP: SAMUEL WASHINGTON (KIA)
-SPARTAN-62601-782435-SP: ELIZABETH XIANG (KIA)
-SPARTAN-97145-017209-SP: ASHTON McKLAIN (KIA)
-SPARTAN-02009-253012-SP: TALITHA MACER (WIA)
Macer wanted desperately wanted to cry, but deep down she’d knew they wouldn’t want her to breakdown. She put down the PDA on the drawer next to her hospital bed. I.V bags hung around her, she listened to the sound of her heartbeat. BEEP BEEP BEEP, she thought listening to the harmonic blips would calm her down, but they didn’t. She couldn’t get her mind off the incident… five Spartans go in… one comes out. It didn’t make sense to her, they were all highly trained, best of their class, yet a predictable ambush took them all out. She thought over it, she came to conclusion that thinking about it wouldn’t help her at all.
Just then her med-bay door slid open. One of the medic walked in, “So… how are you feeling?” she asked. Macer swallowed hard, and managed a meager reply. “I’ve been better…” the medic swiped her finger against her PDA, most likely checking Macer’s vitals. “I heard the news…” the doctor said “You have my most sincere condolences.” Macer scowled, “Feeling sorry won’t bring them back…” she whispered, the doctor went over to her terminal in the room. “Well, so far your wounds have healed nicely… not surprising for a Spartan… you should be out of here in a few days!” the doctor said cheerfully. Macer deep down wanted her to get out, she hated how doctors try to make you feel better, it only made her feel worse. “Well, I’ll check up on you in a few days, take care Spartan” the doctor said as she left the room.
Macer was finally alone to collect her thoughts.
**-**TRANSMISSION RECEIVED
-SUBJECT: FIRETEAM TRANSFER
-FROM: SPARTAN-65287-98303-SP (Commander Palmer)
-DATE: FEBRUARY 26th 2559

"Macer, I got some good news (finally). I’ve found you an open team, Fireteam Jaguar. It’s led by SPARTAN-91073-51501, Commander Wells. He’s a good leader, but kinda of a hard [][][], so watch out for that. I hope you are better now, and good luck.
-Palmer

END OF PART 1

Note: Some of the characters are NON-Canon, so heads up.

2

PART 2

Macer was finally discharged out of the the Infinity’s med-bay, it was nice being able to use her own two feet. She was carrying a bag of her belongings towards her new personal-quarters. As she walked through the steel-hallways, she noticed her fellow Spartans were staring at her, she knew why though. The workmen on the ship didn’t pay her any mind, despite her being at least two feet taller than them. She finally made it to her room, she scanned her P.D.A on the terminal on the door, the steel door slid open with a whoosh sound. She walked in slowly, looked around for a bit. The dorm was a lot smaller than her previous hospital room, but it would have to do. She dropped her bag on the floor and sat on the bed. She continued to look around her new room, a terminal there, an A.I port there. Once she was done familiarizing herself with her room, she went to sleep.
MARCH 5th 2559
4:30 AM

"WAKE UP, SPARTAN!" Macer jumped in her bed, alarmed and awake, trying to determine what woke her. She saw an orange glow from the corner of the room, it was the ship A.I, Roland.
"Get suited up Spartan, you’re meeting your new Fireteam at 0500, i suggest you get ready now" Roland said
“Will do…” Macer groaned, Roland vanished from sight and Macer got up from her bed. She made her bed and got dressed in her Mat-Suit. Macer headed for the armory to get suited up, she wondered what her team was going to be like. She walked on one of many catwalks in the Spartan-Armory, she saw dozens of Spartans getting suited up for battle. She walked up to one of the Armor Stations. It was a ring-like machine that clipped the heavy MJOLNIR on her as if she was a doll. She placed her feet on the designated areas, just then two machine claws placed armor plating on her feet. She slid her hands into two slots that placed her armor’s gauntlets unto the mat suit with a satisfying click. After a five minute process she was fully suited up in her MJOLNIR Mark-VI Class Battle Suit, personally designed with a black and white color scheme.
On the chestplate was the Sedraian Colonial Guard insignia, her former military unit before she joined the U.N.S.C. Macer slid on her helmet, the HUD lit up with different meters and gizmos. She continued throughout the Infinity to find where Fireteam Jaguar was at. She eventually stumbled upon the room, it was wide open. Four Spartan filled the room. a red Spartan looked over to Macer, she stiffened. “CORPORAL FIRST CLASS TALITHA MACER, SIR!” she firmly stated. “At ease Corporal…” the red spartan said. Macer observed him , was wearing Centurion class MJOLNIR armor with eight tally marks on the chestplate where usually brail is signifying your service number. He had a black buzz-cut, by his face, Macer assumed he was thirty-nine to forty years old. He had a scar on his forehead and lower lip. The other Spartans were reloading weapons and preparing for whatever mission they were assigned to. They worked in silent efficiency, it almost reminded Macer of Spartan-II’s. One was clad in MJOLNIR Commando GEN-1 Class Armor, with a purple and yellow coloration. The other was wearing MJOLNIR Scout Class Armor, with a Orange coloration. The last one was wearing MJOLNIR E.O.D Class Armor. The red spartan gave Macer a semi-warm welcome, “I’m Commander Wells, your new C.O” he said. Palmer did warn Macer of his serious nature. “Welcome to Jaguar, Spartan…” he exclaimed, he slid on his helmet over head. “FIRETEAM JAGUAR, DROP IN 0600!” he shouted, “This what kinda -Yoink- we do in Jaguar…” one of the other Spartans said. Drop? What drop? Macer thought.
END OF PART 2

3

Uh they get thrown into the future? Your story as of right now is set 111 years after where Halo is at the moment (4 & 5) 2558 is the year Halo 4 starts.

4

Apart from the slight issue in terms of timeline I really like this story.

5

> 2533274792183527;3:
> Uh they get thrown into the future? Your story as of right now is set 111 years after where Halo is at the moment (4 & 5) 2558 is the year Halo 4 starts.

Oh lol, I get REALLY confused with the halo timeline.
I’ll be sure to fix that. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

6

> 2533274858572140;4:
> Apart from the slight issue in terms of timeline I really like this story.

Thank you! I’ll be sure to fix the timeline issues

7

PART 3

March 5th 2559
5:30 AM

Fireteam Jaguar was still prepping for the drop, reloading weapons and gathering supplies. Macer was dumbstruck on how fast they worked, “Well, don’t just stand there… do something Corporal” Wells said. Macer moved to the weapon-rack to retrieve her armaments. She grabbed a BR85 Rifle and an M6D Pistol, she checked to see if the weapons were loaded. She clipped the Battle Rifle unto her back and slipped the pistol on one of the magnetic-holsters on her hips. “Drop in 30 minutes, Spartans. Head to the command center for DE-breifing” Wells exclaimed. The other Spartans walked with Commander Wells towards the C.C, Macer had no idea what this mission regarded, but she was sure to find out.
Fireteam Jaguar made it to the command center, inside was Captain Lasky and Spartan Commander Palmer waiting by the holo-table. All the Spartans did a crisp salute towards the commanding officers. “At ease, Spartans” Palmer said, A picture of planet appeared on the holo-table, The Spartans recognized it in an instant, even Macer. “Your mission will be to investigate Insurrectionist forces on the planet surface of Reach” Lasky said surprising calm. “Reach?” one of Spartans said, “Yes, Reach… our scouts have detected a lot of Insurrectionist activity around there, your mission will be to drop in behind enemy lines via Pelican and find out what they’re up to” Lasky replied. “Simple enough…” another Spartan said “Get to it Jaguar” Palmer said “Thirty-minutes until drop”
5:40 AM

Fireteam Jaguar did the last preparations of attaching silencer to their weapons. “This is going to be a Stealth-Op” Wells said “Make as less noise as possible”. As Macer was attaching silencers to her weapons, the other 3 Spartans of the team walked up to her, helmets off. “We didn’t have a proper introduction” the Spartan in Commando armor said. “I’m Elijah Jones, I’m the team’s intelligence unit” he said has he held out his hand to Macer, Macer gingerly shook it. “Macer” she replied back, Elijah had tan skin and a stubble-beard and was practically bald with barely any hair. The one in orange Scout-armor joined in, “I’m Jalen Smith, I’m Fireteam Jaguar’s sniper” he calmly replied. He had chocolate skin, and he had no hair, the last one in E.O.D also gave his introduction, “James Parker, demolitions unit” he groaned. “EVERYONE, ON THE PELICAN! TEN-MINUTES UNTIL DROP!” Wells shouted, everyone slid their helmets on. “All aboard the choo-choo train!” Elijah sarcastically said. The five Spartans climbed into the Pelican. The hatch sealed tight, Macer felt the Pelican lift off… she had butterflies in her stomach.
6:00 am
END OF PART 3

8

Say do you do machinima?

9

> 2533274858572140;8:
> Say do you do machinima?

No

10

PART 4

6:10 AM
MARCH 5TH 2559

Macer and the rest of Jaguar were crammed into the Pelican dropship. The mission was to discover the origin of Insurrectionist activity on the Planet Reach. The Spartans were weary about this OP, everyone knew how what an important military-asset Reach was… and how devastating it was when it fell. Throughout the flight, the Spartans remained quiet, occasional checking their weapon and ammo. Wells finally broke the silence, "Comms check" he said over the private-line. "Check" Jalen replied, “We all know the importance of this operation, so i expect you all to operate at 110% efficiency” Wells said. Everyone nodded their heads, this was Macer’s first mission with Jaguar, and she wanted to leave a good impression.
6:20 AM
500 METERS ABOVE DROP-POINT
“JAGUARS” Wells shouted “GREEN LIGHT!” Wells pushed the red-light on the wall, it opened the Pelican hatch. "Good luck Spartans!" the Pilot said over comms, each of the five Spartans jumped out of the Pelican, one-by-one. Before Elijah jumped out, he gave Macer a quick swipe-against his faceplate gesture. To the Spartans, that meant a smile. Macer did the same thing back at Elijah, then he jumped. Macer was next, she gathered her mind and sprinted out of the dropship.
6:30 AM
400 METERS UNTIL DROP-POINT

It was an exhilarating descent, Macer felt the adrenaline course through her body. Her senses were ultra-heightened at the moment. Her a waypoint appeared on her Visor, signifying the drop-point. Macer and the other Spartans used their newly implemented Thruster-Packs to adjust themselves. Commander Wells was behind Macer, hands to his side for extra speed. "This remind ya’ of the old ODST days, Commander?" James said over comms, in which Wells replied: "A little…"
6:45 AM
100 METERS ABOVE DROP POINT

*“One-hundred meters until drop-point” Jalen said,*on Macer’s visor it rapidly decreased. Once it reached 50 meters Wells over comm announced: "Engage stabalizers!" The Spartans unfolded from their formation and flew upwards. Macer activated her stabilizers and was trusted upward suddenly, her arms were out and the mini-jump jets opened up all along her armor. It decreased her velocity, allowing her to safely land on the ground without any injury.
7:00 AM
10 METERS ABOVE DROP-POINT

"Drop-point immanent!" James said, the Spartan shut-off their stabilizer units and rolled onto the hard ground. When Macer reached landed, she hit the ground with a hard roll. She made it unto her feet and slung her rifle into her hands with remarkable-reflexes. "Status?" Wells uttered, “We’re all fine, Commander” Jalen replied. “Macer, what about you?” Elijah said with a hint of concern, “Operating at a 110% capacity, sir” she exclaimed. “Understood, Move out Jaguars!” he said, the Spartans moved into the forest, silently moving along in the foliage. “Any sign of hostile activity?” James said, “None” Elijah stated. “Smith, move up ahead and see if you can find anything” Wells said. “Affirmative” Jalen coldly responded, Jalen sprinted ahead of the others, to Macer’s surprise, he didn’t make a sound while doing so. “Sound-Dampeners, they make him virtually a ghost” Elijah told Macer. “Good to know” Macer responded, “Anything?” Wells asked, “I got something, marking my location” Jalen answered. A waypoint appeared on Macer’s HUD, “Move out, Team” Wells said. The Spartans moved to Jalen’s location over a cliff edge, "What did you find?" Wells exclaimed, “See for yourself, Commander” Jalen responded. The Spartans looked over the cliff, they were dumbstruck. It was an Insurrectionist outpost… and it was massive. Hundreds of vehicles driving in and out, thousands of soldiers patrolling about, air support… and lot’s of it. “This complicates things…” James uttered, “D*mn… Ini’s have been busy…” Elijah said back. “Mission-parameters remain the same, let’s move…” Wells said, Macer held her Battle-Rifle a little-bit tighter, she’s never seen so many Rebels in one spot. The team moved around all of the patrols, they managed to get past the hundreds of thousands of soldiers surprisingly easy. The team found a door leading inside the facility, away from any activity so they wouldn’t be compromised.
"Parker, put a charge on that door" Wells ordered. James swiftly moved towards the door and placed a breaching-charge near the handle. “Flashbangs ready” Elijah whispered. "Macer, find out what’s behind that door" Wells commanded, Macer activated the Artemis-Tracking-System, or ATS for short. It was still a prototype, but worked all the same. It scanned the area around her, “I’m detecting ten hostiles sir, all armed with MA5D’s” Macer answered. “Ten? Easy…” Jalen uttered, “On my mark…” Wells said. James pulled out his detonator, the others readied their weapons. “BREACH!” Wells exclaimed, the door blew open and the Spartans threw Flashbangs into the room. BANG! BOOM! BANG! CRASH!
END OF PART 4

11

6:25 AM
MARCH 5TH 2559
PLANET REACH

PART 5

“WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!” BIP! BAP! BIP! “I CAN’T SEE A DAM-” BAP! BAP! BIP! “WHAT’S GOING ON-” BANG! BANG! BANG!

“One…two…three…” Macer counted the number of Rebels she killed in her head, 'brrum brrum brrum’ was the sound that her Battle-Rifle echoed with a silencer attached to it. The Spartans were clearing out the room easily without any resistance, in a matter of seconds, all the Rebels were on the floor bleeding. “Hostiles eliminated” Macer said, “Jones, shut off their comms, I don’t want them calling for backup…” Wells ordered. “Affirmative” Elijah replied, he walked over many corpses towards the terminal, with a quick push of buttons, he shut off the Rebels communications. “Comms disabled” Jalen responded “What’s our next move?” he asked. “Check their data-records, see if you can find out what they’ve been doing here” Wells said, “Checking… nothing, this terminal has no clearance to the records” Elijah stated. “Well find out where we can access that data, Spartan” Wells barked. “Re-routing… our best bet is to access the main terminal in the control tower, fifteen floors up” Elijah said. “That’s a h*ll of a climb…” James smirked “Then let’s get climbing…” Jalen replied.

“Understoof Jones… Macer, you and me take point… others will follow. Understood?” Wells said. “Whatever you say, Commander” James stated. Macer and Wells stealthily moved throughout the facility’s hallways. Trying their best not to make a single sound, the team was being extra cautious. “Macer, how can we get up?” Wells asked, Macer checked the Artemis, “Elevator just down the hall” she said. They were 5 feet from the elevator, “Alright team, move up to the elevat-” Wells was cut off in his sentence, the elevator door’s flew open and two Insurrectionists walked out, and they were heading towards Jaguar’s position. “JAGUARS, SCATTER!” Wells shouted “I’ll deal with these two…”

“Alpha, do you copy?” asked one Insurrectionist, “Alpha, respond… now!” he exclaimed. “Let’s go check it out, this isn’t normal…” the the other Rebel stated. “Yeah… let’s go-” before the Insurrectionist could finish Wells pounced on him, slitting his throat in the process. Before his partner realized what happened Wells threw his throwing knife directly into his forehead. “Tangos eliminated… Jones, Parker, carry these bodies” Wells told Jaguar. The Spartans came out of hiding from closets or from the ceiling, then proceeded to disposed of the corpses. “Where we putting these, sir?” Jones asked, Wells sent the elevator up and then pried the doors wide open. “Dump them through here, they won’t be found right away” Wells replied. Elijah looked down the dark-abyss, and then flung the body into it, as did James. “How do we proceed, sir?”
asked Macer, “We go up…” smirked Wells, he jumped into the dark elevator-hatch and grabbed onto one of the tethers keeping the elevators up. “Let’s move Jaguars” Wells said.

7:00 AM

“Alpha? Charlie? Where the h*ll are you?” shouted an Insurrectionist-commander, on his uniform he sword the badge of the Freedom and Liberation Party. He hated the U.N.S.C, and he wanted to make them suffer. “You there!” he exclaimed pointing at a random soldier, “Go find out where they are!” he ordered. The soldier nodded his head and proceeded to the elevator. The elevator exploded, and the soldier went flying in the air. The Commander snapped around to look, “What the?!-” was his last thought before suffering a three-round burst into his head.

Macer killed who was presumably the C.O of this facility, she then helped her fellow Spartan clear out the room of hostiles. Wells was mowing down the helpless men with a MA5D Assault Rifle, bullets rained down from his weapon. Jalen was making consecutive-shots with his DMR, always targeting the head. The Spartans cleared out the room, killing 30 Insurrectionist’s in under a minute. “These guys are part of The Freedom and Liberty Party” stated Macer. “Not surprising, these b*stards are found most commonly on Reach” James responded. “No time for chit-chat, Jones, splice those terminals” Wells said. Elijah went to the main terminal in the center of the room, and started accessing the most classified files. He was furiously typing on the console for a solid 30 seconds, until he found something. “Okay! Got something-” Elijah stopped mid-sentence. “What is it, Spartan?” Wells asked, Elijah didn’t respond, “ELIJAH, ANSWER ME!” barked Wells, still no response. "Sir… come and see this…" Elijah finally mumbled. Wells walked over to the console and looked and the screen, he froze. “What the h*ll?!” Wells cried, the screen read:

SPARTAN-V PROGRAM

END OF PART 5

12

Let’s do this.

“It didn’t make sense to her, they were all highly trained, best of their class, yet a predictable ambush took them all out.”
For the most part, the backstory given here is actually pretty decent on the surface; my problem is that it seems a bit disconnected from the main storyline, and personally I wouldn’t mind seeing a few hints as to what happened, and what went wrong.

"He’s a good leader, but kinda of a hard [][][],
Okay, just going to say this now; we’re not five. Having all the swears bleeped out just looks silly.

“she noticed her fellow Spartans were staring at her, she knew why though.”
Good for her, cause I don’t have a clue.

" Macer observed him , was wearing Centurion class MJOLNIR armor with eight tally marks where usually brail is signifying your service number"
I have no idea what this sentence is saying.

"“Your mission will be to eliminate Insurrectionist forces on the planet surface of Reach”
“your mission will be to drop in behind enemy lines via Pelican and find out what they’re up to”
Did Lasky just contradict himself in the space of two sentences?

“I’m Jalen Smith,”
Who’s his father, Wyll Smith?

“The Spartans were weary about this OP”
Why, does he have a history of trolling or something?

“The team moved around all of the patrols, they managed to get past the hundreds of thousands of soldiers surprisingly easy.”
Right, two problems with this; A) this sentence is the equivalent of, “He killed all the enemies in the room”; setting up a conflict and just handwaving it away. Secondly, this isn’t really a base if it has hundreds of thousands of soldiers and more of city. How did the Infinity know where this base was, but didn’t know how large it was? Why did the Innies set up camp on a planet with no remaining resources or farmland?

“The Spartans were clearing out the room easily without any resistance, in a matter of seconds, all the Rebels were on the floor bleeding.”
These bad guys are pathetic; what’s even the threat? They’ve literally done nothing except get shot so far.

“an Insurrectionist-commander, on his uniform he sword the badge of the Freedom and Liberation Party. He hated the U.N.S.C, and he wanted to make them suffer.”
An antagonist. Great! Now we have an actual bad guy with a character, along with somebody we can personify the rebel-

“The Commander snapped around to look, “What the?!-” was his last thought before suffering a three-round burst into his head.”
Oh. Never mind.

“The Spartans cleared out the room, killing 30 Insurrectionist’s in under a minute.”
Aforementioned “totally worthless baddies” problem; and if they’re going to be dispatched this easily, why not just not have them there? The fight wasn’t exactly great to read about, and it didn’t really advance the plot at all, so why not just have them arrive at an empty room, or possibly have the CO killed if you had to?

“SPARTAN-V PROGRAM”
Credit where credit’s due, this actually sounds pretty interesting.

Overall thoughts: well, I suppose this is just the start so I can’t really be too harsh on it. The writing felt a bit clunky in places, and there were quite a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes. Some of the characters can feel a bit dull; Wells and Jones are fairly well rounded to a certain extent, but the others felt a bit blank. The fight scenes are all just quickly summed up, which feels very underwhelming and a bit lazy tbh.

However, on the plus side the actual plot detailed is alright.

7/10.

13

MARCH 5TH 2559
PLANET REACH
7:25 AM

Wells was frozen in his Mjolnir armor, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A Spartan-V program? How could these Rebels have access to that kind of experimentation?
“Jones, copy that to your data-chip and whatever else you can fit” Wells uttered, “Got it, by the way, the whole facility is on high-alert, they wanna know want the h*ll’s going on” Elijah answered. “Ignore them, Macer, find us an extraction point” Wells barked, Macer check the ATS for a moment, scanning the entire facilities in’s and out’s. “Got it, there’s a landing pad not to far from our current position, sending coordinates to you Commander” Macer said. “Got it, Parker, send this coordinates to the Infinity, tell them we have a high-value package in custody” Wells told James. “Roger, you want me to ask for some snacks as well?” James joked “U.N.S.C Infinity, this Spartan Fireteam Jaguar, we are in possession of information of the highest value. Requesting EVAC immediately” he asked. “Roger that Jaguars, sending a bird down your way, where should we land?” the operator asked. “Sending coordinates” James said, “Copy, be there ASAP” responded the Operator. “Let’s hope it’s soon enough…” Jalen smirked, “All data encrypted and processed, what now sir?” Elijah said. Wells then shot the computer-console with his pistol a few times, “We can’t allow the Insurrectionists with this kind of information” Wells coldly implied. “…Whatever floats your boat, Commander…” Elijah fearfully responded. “Move out to that L.Z, Spartans!” Wells ordered, a red blip appeared on Macer’s ATS module, “Sir, we have a problem, 50 hostiles closing in…and fast” Macer stated. “Weapons free…” he answered back.

“Halt!” and Insurrectionist said, the platoon froze in place. “I think someone’s coming” one of the Insurrectionist said, “Get ready…” another one said. They sat for a solid two minutes, one finally stood up. He looked towards his group, “I think we’re in the clear-”

Macer used her thrusters to charge into the UN-suspecting Rebel, sending him flying five feet. The other Spartans followed,using their newly implemented upgrades to get the advantage. “God! I love these things!” James barked over comms, “We’re not clear yet…” Jalen answered. The group of Insurrectionist were crushed by the sheer force of the massive Spartans. “Keep going!” Wells shouted, the Spartans were sprinting to the extraction point, using their trusters for extra speed. “Another pair of Ini’s, sir!” Macer shouted. One of the Rebels shot at Macer, the impact staggered her, causing her to topple over. “Clumsy motherf*cker!” Smith yelled over comms, he jumped over her. The Insurrectionist proceeded to fire his Battle-Rifle at Jalen. It caught him in the shoulder, but his energy-shielding deflected the bullets. Jalen kicked the soldier in the face, crushing his skull. His partner drew his weapon, but Jalen fired a round of his DMR into his head. Elijah lent a hand to Macer, “My lady…” he smirked. Macer was on her feet again, “If this is how you pick up girls… then you most be really lonely” Macer replied. “I get by…” Elijah joked. “No time for small-talk, Spartans” Wells said, “We got a package to deliver”

8:00 AM
The Spartans stormed out the door to the helipad, there were Insurrectionists everywhere. “Sht!" Wells exclaimed, “Take cover!” The Rebels opened fire, Jaguar took cover behind some crates. “JAMES! BARBECUE THEM!” Wells yelled, “Haven’t done this in a while…” James stated. James rolled out of cover behind the crate, he swiftly grabbed his belt of Incendiary-Grenades and pulled out the pins. "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, BTCHES!” he screamed. He flung the belt at the hostiles, the belt exploded into a million-bits, spreading waves of fire everywhere. The Insurrectionist were all burning alive Macer could see their searing flesh now exposed in their uniforms. They were screaming, toppling over each other, and even falling of the platform ridiculously, Macer couldn’t help but giggle a bit… as sadistic as that might sound. “Overkill don’t you think James?” Jalen asked, “Hey… C.O ordered it… I obliged…” James said proudly. “Whatever gets the job done” Macer inputted.

“Approaching L.Z, you alive down there?” a voice said over comms, it was a Pelican pilot. “Alive and kicking *ss, just get us off this rock” Wells said. The Pelican landed, the hatch opened and a Marine was waiting. “Hand me the package!” he shouted at Wells, Wells noticed the ONI-badge on his uniform. “Elijah, give the kind man his chip” Wells smirked. Elijah removed the chip from his helmet, he was about to give it to the Marine.

“HIT THE DECK, NOW!!!” Jalen shouted, the rest of the team turned around. Insurrectionists were lined up on the roof… with rocket-launchers. "OH, FCK!" the Marine screamed. The Spartans belly-flopped on the floor as rockets peppered the Pelican. One hit the right-wing destroying it, one hit the left-thruster, and one hit the inside of the Pelican, killing the Marine and sending his bits everywhere. The Pelican lost altitude, and crashed into the forest one-hundred feet below it. CRASSH!!! was the last sound the poor plane made. "WHAT THE HLL WAS THAT!? Macer screamed, "WE GOT TO GET THE FCK OUT HERE!" James yelled back. Insurrectionists were pouring onto the helipad, firing down at the Spartans. “WE HAVE TO JUMP, NOW!” Wells ordered. The Spartans were sprinting to the edge of the platform, their shields being sprayed with bullets. Macer was running as fast as she could, her breathes becoming more frantic and her heartbeat racing. They made it to the edge, “JUMP!!!” Wells screamed, they all took a leap of faith. Macer jumped about 5 feet in the air, they dropped one-hundred feet into the thick jungle. They were in for one hll of a drop…

END OF PART 6

14

> 2533274875814858;12:
> Let’s do this.
>
> “It didn’t make sense to her, they were all highly trained, best of their class, yet a predictable ambush took them all out.”
> For the most part, the backstory given here is actually pretty decent on the surface; my problem is that it seems a bit disconnected from the main storyline, and personally I wouldn’t mind seeing a few hints as to what happened, and what went wrong. (Yeah, i was thinking about making a prologue part as well)
>
> “**He’s a good leader, but kinda of a hard ,**Okay, just going to say this now; we’re not five. Having all the swears bleeped out just looks silly. (However, when i post it, it will just censor anyways)
>
> “she noticed her fellow Spartans were staring at her, she knew why though.”
> Good for her, cause I don’t have a clue. (I didn’t explain this sorry, but it was mainly because she was the last survivor of her fireteam)
>
> " Macer observed him , was wearing Centurion class MJOLNIR armor with eight tally marks where usually brail is signifying your service number”
> I have no idea what this sentence is saying. (Usually on the Centurion class there is brail on the chestpeice, signifying your service number)
>
> "“Your mission will be to eliminate Insurrectionist forces on the planet surface of Reach”
> “your mission will be to drop in behind enemy lines via Pelican and find out what they’re up to”
> Did Lasky just contradict himself in the space of two sentences? (Lol, i’ll correct that)
>
> “I’m Jalen Smith,”
> Who’s his father, Wyll Smith? (No, Jalen Smith is the name of my friend, the character is inspired by him)
>
> “The Spartans were weary about this OP”
> Why, does he have a history of trolling or something? (It’s on the Planet Reach, the Spartan home in a sense. And Reach was an important military asset, so they were worried on why there’s rebel activity there)
>
> “The team moved around all of the patrols, they managed to get past the hundreds of thousands of soldiers surprisingly easy.”
> Right, two problems with this; A) this sentence is the equivalent of, “He killed all the enemies in the room”; setting up a conflict and just handwaving it away. Secondly, this isn’t really a base if it has hundreds of thousands of soldiers and more of city. How did the Infinity know where this base was, but didn’t know how large it was? Why did the Innies set up camp on a planet with no remaining resources or farmland? (Scouts and Reach was re-colonized and teraformed once again)
>
> “The Spartans were clearing out the room easily without any resistance, in a matter of seconds, all the Rebels were on the floor bleeding.”
> These bad guys are pathetic; what’s even the threat? They’ve literally done nothing except get shot so far. (I wanted to convey the power of the Spartans)
>
> “an Insurrectionist-commander, on his uniform he sword the badge of the Freedom and Liberation Party. He hated the U.N.S.C, and he wanted to make them suffer.”
> An antagonist. Great! Now we have an actual bad guy with a character, along with somebody we can personify the rebel-
>
> “The Commander snapped around to look, “What the?!-” was his last thought before suffering a three-round burst into his head.”
> Oh. Never mind. (lol)
>
> “The Spartans cleared out the room, killing 30 Insurrectionist’s in under a minute.”
> Aforementioned “totally worthless baddies” problem; and if they’re going to be dispatched this easily, why not just not have them there? The fight wasn’t exactly great to read about, and it didn’t really advance the plot at all, so why not just have them arrive at an empty room, or possibly have the CO killed if you had to? (Like I said, conveying the sheer might of the Spartans)
>
> “SPARTAN-V PROGRAM”
> Credit where credit’s due, this actually sounds pretty interesting.
>
> Overall thoughts: well, I suppose this is just the start so I can’t really be too harsh on it. The writing felt a bit clunky in places, and there were quite a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes. Some of the characters can feel a bit dull; Wells and Jones are fairly well rounded to a certain extent, but the others felt a bit blank. The fight scenes are all just quickly summed up, which feels very underwhelming and a bit lazy tbh.
>
> However, on the plus side the actual plot detailed is alright.
> (Thanks for the input, I’m still working on my writing skills, so apologies for it being clunky and un-engaging, i’m in 9th grade… still working on it :D)
>
> 7/10.

15

October 17th 2558

After months of grueling training in the War Games simulations, it was finally over. Macer and the rest of Fireteam Arrowhead passed the final exam, they were pit against one of the best Spartan-IV recruits of this term, Fireteam Hawk. “Poor Hawks…” Ashton smirked “I bet they wished they passed” Samuel let out a chuckle “It’s not a matter of wishing, Ashton. It’s a matter on how hard you want to win” Samuel stated. “But still…” Robert added “We kicked their aes! I mean, it was like it was their first time in the War-Games" Robert exclaimed. “Or maybe they felt sorry for us” Elizabeth replied, “As if…” Macer smirked. The five Spartans walked down the steel-hallways of the Infinity, smiles on their faces. “So… who’s buying the first drink?” Macer asked, “I think our esteemed Fireteam leader should!” Ashton chimed in. "You guys are aholes… but I’ll do it” Samuel replied, everyone let out a laugh, it was one of the happiest moments of their military career. Painful augmentations, grueling training sessions, and now… they were officially Spartans. They all went the ship’s bar, had more than a few drinks, got drunk, and went to sleep. They had a long day ahead of them…

March 5th 2559
8:35 AM
PLANET REACH
Branches and twigs were shattering against Macer’s body as she fell into the forest bellow her. They didn’t do much damage, as they seemed to do was scrape against her shields, unless she hit a thick branch. Macer put her arms in front of her face, blocking any branches that might cause internal damage to the helmet’s software. A sturdy branch hit Macer’s hip, causing her extreme pain and breaking her formation as she fell. Another branch snapped against her lower back, causing a loud cracking noise. She let out a scream of pain, she hit more branches, possibly breaking more bones. She finally hit the ground, she was sore all over, pain and blood oozing from her strained muscles. She couldn’t get up, her vision was going black, her eyes grew heavy, She passed out.

16

Part II, I guess.

““U.N.S.C Infinity, this Spartan Fireteam Jaguar, we are in possession of information of the highest value. Requesting EVAC immediately””
Can’t they just transmit the data?

“Wells then shot the computer-console with his pistol a few times, “We can’t allow the Insurrectionists with this kind of information” Wells coldly implied.”
Implied doesn’t work in this context. And if I keep backups of my schoolwork I’m pretty sure this massive military organization can do it as well.

““Halt!” and Insurrectionist said, the platoon froze in place. “I think someone’s coming” one of the Insurrectionist said, “Get ready…” another one said. They sat for a solid two minutes, one finally stood up. He looked towards his group, “I think we’re in the clear-””
This is bizarrely fragmented.

“Macer couldn’t help but giggle a bit… as sadistic as that might sound.”
Jesus Christ. That’s just -Yoinked!- up.

" “Hand me the package!” he shouted at Wells, Wells noticed the ONI-badge on his uniform. “Elijah, give the kind man his chip” Wells smirked. Elijah removed the chip from his helmet, he was about to give it to the Marine."
…Why don’t they just, you know, get on the pelican first? From what I can tell, the ONI guy seems to be wanting to have Jaguar team left behind after he takes the data, which would also explain why Wells didn’t transmit the data; if they already had it, ONI had no more need for them and would just leave them there. If that was what you were going for, well done, cause that’s actually fairly interesting.

17

> 2533274875814858;16:
> Part II, I guess.
>
> ““U.N.S.C Infinity, this Spartan Fireteam Jaguar, we are in possession of information of the highest value. Requesting EVAC immediately””
> Can’t they just transmit the data?
>
> “Wells then shot the computer-console with his pistol a few times, “We can’t allow the Insurrectionists with this kind of information” Wells coldly implied.”
> Implied doesn’t work in this context. And if I keep backups of my schoolwork I’m pretty sure this massive military organization can do it as well.
>
> ““Halt!” and Insurrectionist said, the platoon froze in place. “I think someone’s coming” one of the Insurrectionist said, “Get ready…” another one said. They sat for a solid two minutes, one finally stood up. He looked towards his group, “I think we’re in the clear-””
> This is bizarrely fragmented.
>
> “Macer couldn’t help but giggle a bit… as sadistic as that might sound.”
> Jesus Christ. That’s just -Yoinked!- up.
>
> " “Hand me the package!” he shouted at Wells, Wells noticed the ONI-badge on his uniform. “Elijah, give the kind man his chip” Wells smirked. Elijah removed the chip from his helmet, he was about to give it to the Marine."
> …Why don’t they just, you know, get on the pelican first? From what I can tell, the ONI guy seems to be wanting to have Jaguar team left behind after he takes the data, which would also explain why Wells didn’t transmit the data; if they already had it, ONI had no more need for them and would just leave them there. If that was what you were going for, well done, cause that’s actually fairly interesting.

lol