When I saw the cupholders in the new E3 Warthog, I was enraged. I thought “Oh great. Another way to CoDify Halo 4.” But after giving it some thought, I came to my senses and realized that a Warthog without cupholders actually made little sense.
In Halo CE, the very first level, The Pillar of Autumn, holds vending machines with coffee as one of the drinks. Marines and Spartans need their coffee, and the Warthog is, well, a car, so how was a UNSC personnel supposed to drive around the base with coffee in hand? Driving with only one hand? You’d have better luck trying to take on a Scorpion with no cover. So, logically, the UNSC issued special cup holders will allow personel to bring their coffee with them, and will save the lives of countless, tired UNSC person come November 6th. However, given the lack of information reguarding rhe coverage of cupholders, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the only vehicle that got this new edition.
The Warthog isn’t the only vehicle in the UNSC armory. Pelicans, Scorpions, Capital ships all require personnel to operate the big guns. With no energy from coffee, the UNSC will be tired, groggy, and unfit for combat situations. To solve this, I propose that cupholders become standard issue for all UNSC vehicles. From the
Mongoose to MAC Cannon operators, from the Pelican to the Hornet, cupholders must be manditory. For all of the Covenant’s superior technological advances, they lack two critical assets that we don’t: cupholders and Spartans. I beg you, superior officers, put cupholders in all UNSC vehicles and our troops will constantly be constantly invigorated with caffeine.
There is potentially one small problem with this plan, however.
If the Covenant or Promethians discover the top secret cupholders technology, the results will be catastrophic. The same caffeine that courses through our veins will course through our enemies’, and we will lose our advantage. The cupholders technology must be kept hidden and secure, else we will lose this war.
Stay safe, fellow soldiers. Keep confidence in the cupholders.
Update on 6/28. Posted on page 7 as well.
Project PYRE
Cupholders must be mandatory in all UNSC vehicles in order to ensure victory. The statistics show this. However, as new cupholder technology is produced, the older models quickly become redundant. For instance, a standard issue cupholder is suffice to transport a caffeinated drink onto the battlefield. The current cupholders do not guarantee that the coffee will be warm by the time it gets to the battlefield, reducing its effectiveness in its energizing properties. This is where Project PYRE comes in.
A few months ago, an ONI research team discovered a way to actually heat the drinks via the cupholder and keep them from getting cold. The project, codenamed PYRE, will guarantee that coffee will reach the frontlines. The research team has started calling these new cupholders Thermalholders. Currently, technology is still in its Alpha stages, and unfortunately can be quite dangerous if not handled properly. As such, it is not ready for active field deployment. Several research staff are in critical condition from drinking coffee was brought to boiling temperature from the Thermalholders, and we have suffered one casualty. However, as several posters have pointed out, coffee is already a viable defensive weapon when the hot contents are applied to a face, so further research into Thermalholders being weaponized are already underway.
Unfortunately, especially in its experimental prototype stages, the Thermalholders are expensive to develop. Several high ranking ONI members have tried cutting funds to the Thermalholder project due to how expensive the project is in addition to how dangerous it can potentially be. Cupholder projects GUARDIAN and BUTLER haven’t even left the planning stages and we are already faced with the threat of termination.
Updates on PYRE will be posted if deemed necessary by ONI staff.