!!!UPDATE!!!
I have chosen the winners!
1st place: DSight
2nd place: John Ja Pierre
3rd place: iRECLAIM3R
4th place: acer1096xxx
1st place prize: Locus helmet
2nd place prize: emblem/ or double XP codes
3rd place prize: longbow theme/ or one of the prizes 2nd place winner did not pick
4th place prize: One of the prizes 3rd place winner did not pick
White Witch: Tell me Edmund… are your sisters deaf?
Edmund: No…
White Witch: And your brother… is he… unintelligent?
Edmund: Well I think so but mum says—
White Witch: THEN HOW… DARE YOU COME HERE ALONE!
Edmund: I’m sorry but…
White Witch: Edmund I ask SO LITTLE of you.
Edmund: Look, I tried. But they wouldn’t listen to me!
White Witch: Then it appears you are of no further use to me… (Readies ice dagger)
~The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Narnia (Movie)
Now you will understand this:
Me: (Answering sales call) Hello?
Some hotel guy: Hello, Ma’m, we have a discount on a room at Rosegarden Inn… blah blah blah… five room… blah… how does that sound?
Me: Tell me… are you deaf?
Some hotel guy: No I’m not, Ma’m
Me: And your company… is it… unintelligent?
Some hotel guy: Ah, well you see—
Me: THEN HOW… DARE YOU CALL ME AGAIN!!!
Some hotel guy: Wait wah?
Me: Sir, I ask SO LITTLE of you.
Some hotel guy: Pardon?
Me: Then it appears you are of no further use to me. (Hangs up.)
brb. Don’t have time now but later I will.
The Creature of the Road
There was once a very small, quiet rural village. It was so small there was only one main road leading out of it, along which visitors often traveled to and from the village. However, there was one important rule the townsfolk held about this road: never go it alone.
This was strictly enforced by the villagers, but one curious young boy from the village decided to break this rule; he set out one day, when no one else was round, to explore the road alone.
As he approached the trail for the first time, he realized there was something very odd about it. Although he knew there were always people coming into town, the road itself looked like it had hardly been used.
Grass and weeds had grown across the whole path, and it was so poorly maintained that they reached all the way up to his waist, making it difficult to walk quickly. However, this did not deter the boy.
Determined to make his trip worthwhile, he pushed on into the overgrowth, looking back over his shoulder occasionally to make sure no one was watching. He moved quickly, hoping to get out of sight by any passers-by.
However, the boy’s pace was cut suddenly short by the sound of something moving in the grass next to him. The boy’s heart skipped a beat as he stopped in his tracks, looking and listening for the source of the disturbance.
The overgrowth was so thick he couldn’t see anything, but he could hear the sound of something crawling in the grass near his feet. He could tell it wasn’t very big, but something about it gave him a horrible feeling…the feeling of being hunted.
The boy was overcome by a growing sense of hopelessness as he realized he had traveled too far down the road to make it back before the creature reached him, and the grass made it hard for him to move quickly.
Suddenly, the boy sensed he was being watched. The creature had spotted him. From the corner of his eye he could make out a wide pair of eyes and long, sharp fangs fixated on him. The boy’s heart was pounding as he turned to face it.
Suddenly, a hand gripped his arm. The boy jerked and looked, only to see the face of one of the elders of the village. “You fool! Don’t you know better than to come here alone?” The man grabbed the boy and ran with him back to the village. The boy’s heart raced as he sensed the creature following him, but it never overtook them. They ran, gasping for breath, until they had escaped back into town. After they caught their breath, the old man scolded the boy for ignoring the villagers’ warnings. When he was done, he looked up and sighed. “I guess you’re old enough. You deserve to know.” The man led the boy to his house. It was a very big house and, as they entered, the boy saw massive shelves filled with books about creatures he had only heard of in myths. Mysterious men in lab coats sat around, studying them. The old man led the boy to a back room. He faced away, saying, “I’m going to tell you the truth about what you saw today…”
All of a sudden, the man turned to the boy, glaring at him, his piercing gaze freezing him in place. “But first, I’m going to ask you one question…”
Also a haiku for good measure.
You should give me locus
because i’m awesome and cool!
and I will blow you
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
During Halo 4, the Arbiter has his own story.
With High charity destroyed and a huge loss in the covenant, Arbie takes over as the new covenant leader with the ship master as his second in command. He realizes that if the ship was cut in half, the chief may have survived, referring to what he tells Lord Hood " Worried so easy " and now sets out to find him.
A long the way, he looks for the last place that the covenant were before they ported out. As he gets there, the amount of broken material and shrapnel blinds them. The ship has to burst through the material searching for any remains. They notice a Ship in the far off way.
They close in on it and see its a covenant ship. As the new high executive, Arbie goes aboard. He notices all the troops look very different than of his own. He asks for the commander. He finds Hur j’dala ( made that up ), an elite captain. Arbie tells him of his story. The captain tells him to leave and insults the arbiter by calling this search a rebellion against the Prophets. Arbie explains what happened to High charity and the prophets.
Hur J’dala tells him that they will continue the search from here because they know this space very well. The truth is that Hur knows about the chief and requiem and is on his way to back up the rest of his fleet.
Arbie leaves feeling better and hoping the best for his lost friend and ally, Spartan 117.
Red Dead Redemption Story…
So a guy steals my horse in Mexico and I proceeded to shoot him in the knee, and he falls off. I then chase him down, hogtie him, and lift him onto my noble steed.
This is where I am stumped. How do I punish this no-good thief? At first, I contemplate slitting his throat.
Too merciful.
Then, I figure I’ll just leave him on the train tracks.
Too cliche.
Then I try to think outside the box, and I’m about to leave him to the wolves, and watch as the buzzards feasted on his flesh.
Too anticlimactic.
So what did I do with this poor man? I’ll tell you what I did.
I took this dirty, unshaven man clothed a pair of dirty brown pants and low cut shirt across the border. He dripped blood behind us. Wolves chased us, and more than once I was tempted to leave him there for their meal. But no, this man would pay in a more violent way. I bandaged his wounds and carried on.
As he shouted curses at me in Spanish, I rode across New Austin, ignoring the potshots that criminals took at me in Theives Landing and along the dusty trails. I had a mission. That mission was to make this man suffer.
We arrived in Tall Trees in the late afternoon, and I found a nice clearing in the snow. It would be a nice place for this man to spend his final moments, amidst the freshly fallen snow and great pines. He didn’t deserve such a fine place for his grave, but alas, it is the only place the deed could be done.
I dismounted and retrieved the man, hogtied and exasperated from the long journey, and laid him in the powder. I turned away, and readied myself. Knife in one hand, and a vial of pig blood in the other. I turned and looked at the man, dazed from blood-loss but still furious, and pitied him for a moment. A fleeting moment. I knew what had to be done.
Uncorking the bottle, I took a deep breath, and then pored it’s contents across the man’s back and trim head of hair. With this, he must have realized what I planned for him. He went from cursing my family to pleading for his life, a fear-stricken expression across his face. He was alert now. “Good,” I thought. “he will need to keep his wits about him.”
I took to one knee, and carefully placed a cigarette in his front pocket. I figured he deserved a final smoke. Every man, regardless of his sins, deserves that final pleasure. I then cut his restraints. He rose, and stumbled with a cry and he shifted his weight, sand and grit caked to the bandaging on the other. Tears ran down his face, either from pain or fear I cannot say. He did not even attempt to attack me, a wise move. He ran on borrowed time. He limped through the snowy terrain for about 100 yards before hearing the distant, yet unmistakable, grunts and snorts of a grizzly. However, to this Mexican native who had never stepped across the border, let alone into the forests, did not know what manner of beast these vocalizations came from. Still, while foreign to him, instinct told him whatever the noises came from was fearsome and most likely violent and on the hunt. Hunting for him.
The man increased his pace, wincing from pain, and began to draw short breaths. I watched him from afar, as the mighty grizzly emerged from the brush and pursued him, irritated by his transgression into its territory. As it gained, the man was overcome with fear and collapsed. The grizzly closed the distance. The man accepted his fate as he saw the grizzly approach, and glanced at the cigarette I placed in his front pocket. He grasped it with his numb digits and removed a lighter from his back pocket.
With this motion, the bear’s eyes widened. With one swift motion, he snatched the lighter from the man and in a booming voice said, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” He then proceeded to disembowel the man for his transgression.
This message brought to you by the United States Forest Service.
When I was 12, I thought it would be funny to -Yoink- into a Pringles can…so I did. The log nearly filled the entire can. Then I got the brilliant idea to fill the rest of the can with water and leave it out in my backyard. It was winter at the time so I imagined it would freeze as a cylinder of ice with a log of -Yoink- in the middle. The next night, my drunk older brother (who was 16) and his buddies came stumbling through the backyard. One of them saw the can and decided to kick it. Instead of freezing, the can had turned into a chilled tube of diarrhea. It sprayed all over the guy who kicked its foot and his buddy’s Philly Eagles jacket. I laughed my -Yoink- off as they washed my -Yoink- off their shoes and coat. One of them had a mustache (at 16) so I didn’t give a -Yoink-. They knew it was -Yoink-, but they never knew its origins.
I don’t get it, why wait til next week to give someone a code? Sounds fishy.
<mark>Story 1</mark>: Some woman and I were talking about a recent rape in the neighbourhood, we were saying about how horrible it is and how could this happen so close to home.
Then she just says: “Well… If anyone tries to rape me, i’m just gonna poo on them”
Uhmm… 2 things lady.
Number 1. You can poo on command! You’re a national treasure!
Number 2: He’s a rapist. So he probably has a very high tolerance for gross stuff.
<mark>Story 2</mark>: Me and my brother when we were just young. Went into an antique shop, as that is where we were taken. No idea why. Anyway, our little cousin was there. As you can imagine the antique shop is pretty boring for a bunch of little kids.
We found the toilet section with a few antique toilets. So we pretended to go to the toilets in them for something to do.
Then it was my little cousins turn. He pulled his pants down. All my and my brother thought was, "Man, he’s really committing to this one. But as he walked off, we took a peek. And there was a turd in the bottom of the toilet.
We were the most well behaved kids in the antique shop after that.
An old chinese lady found the prize and almost fainted. Our dad looks at us, then looks at the lady and just says,“Let’s go”.
The end. Hope I win 
> I don’t get it, why wait til next week to give someone a code? Sounds fishy.
I wont lie. I knew someone would say this but i’m being very serious.
Below is an idea I’ve been kicking around in my head about a love letter in the Halo Universe between two characters. I might expand it in the near future and flesh out background and experiences/memories of both characters. For now its just a slight insight to what its like between a soldier and a student living far away from each other during the Human-Covenant War.
INCOMING TRANSMISSION
RECEIVED (trans) 05.2.7.0421
via x-process 02773.5.52.191229
DATE: May 5th 2552
ORIGIN: HARMONY COLONY
CLASSIFICATION: NA
FROM: ODST First Sergeant Nathanial Manis
TO: Nora Aman
Dearest Nora,
By the time this transmission reaches you it will have spent almost a few weeks in sub space. It is too crazy to think about the science behind that because all I care about is coming home to you. I miss you and not even the stars distract me from that.
Already eighteen months have passed since getting out of ODST training and we’re all getting restless here. None of us have seen a tail or hide of the Covenant except for ghost stories that come in with the nearby shipping freighters. Tall tales from even taller men claiming they’ve seen entire planets wiped out by a few cruisers. I won’t be quick to jump to conclusions but every day that passes seems to make the troops more fearful and anxious.
Training helps to keep focus but nothing prepares you for what hits you the most. It’s the distance, Nora. The distance from home is what’s killing me. I’m all the way out here on the outer fringe colonies waiting for the Covenant to make their move but what if they get past us? What if they reach you first and I’m stuck light years away unable to do anything.
I just wish we could strike first. Colonel Herzog calms us down claiming it is only a matter of time before we see something to kill but every day is almost quieter than the last. I don’t mean to frighten you. I’ve taken great care of myself, keeping my mind occupied with the local fauna and vegetation. I wish you could be here to see some of the flowers on this planet. It’s nothing like home I assure you. How I wish you could see, you would be absolutely stunned with amazement. Perhaps I can convince one of the freighter captains to bring some home for you if they’re going out your way. I can only imagine the look on your face when you see them!
I do hope your studies are going well. By the time you read this you should be finished your second year in medical school. I know you will make a fine Doctor. How you ended up with a grunt by your side still shocks the soldiers when I tell them. I keep your picture in my armour fold while I’m on duty so you’re always close to my heart.
This war will be over before you know it and I’ll be home as soon as I can my love. Nora please do not worry about me, I have some good squad mates and they’ll make sure I come home in one piece. You know me, I keep my promises. Take care of yourself and know I always love you.
-Nathaniel
> Also a haiku for good measure.
> You should give me locus
> because i’m awesome and cool!
> and I will blow you
Umm, looks like people are taking this a little too seriously. o_O
Anyway, this will speak for me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1ZKN4lUN8E 
But if you want a story…*This is completely true, by the way
So my friend is a teacher and a few years ago he was working as a Kindergarten teacher. One day, his class went on a field trip to a pretty big local zoo (good amount of different animals, large area, etc). Everything was going great and it wasn’t until an hour through the trip they realized something: a child was missing. Panicking, the class got a search going and was just about to give up when all of a sudden the kid came back. So they get on the bus, relieved, and then discover something else. The little boy’s backpack was moving! Then. the teachers opened it up and guess what they found? A PENGUIN!!! Yes, the kid actually took a baby penguin! (At the zoo, you’re allowed to feed the penguins and all). In the end, they returned the baby penguin back to the zoo, and needless to say they’re never going back again. I still kind of wish I were as awesome as that kindergartener though.
Hope you found it funny as much as I do. Stealing a baby penguin when you were 6 would be a great conversation starter for a date.
One day, on Halloween my brother was feeling antsy. He decided to take his energy out by skipping down the halls butt NAKED and humming the peanuts theme song(We watch this movie on October 31)
My next story is about the same kid. He was 3 at the time and thought it was the coolest thing to blow soap bubbles from your mouth while in the tub. My dad went to get his phone so I had to watch him. As soon as my dad got back, the bubble burst in his eyes and he was screaming “My eyes burn!” and “Did yo get it?”
There those are my entries.
Joke time!
One day, a man was with his woman, speeding down the highway. The girl says “If you go over 100, I’ll start stripping.” The guy likes this and starts hitting the 100 mark. The girl is soon completely nude and the guy can’t help but stare at her. So with his eyes off the road, they eventually have a wreck. The girl remained unharmed but the guy ended up under the car. “Go get help!” he shouts, and she replies “But I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” The guy tosses her a shoe and she covers her crotch with it and runs off to the nearest gas station. She screams to the station manager “Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!” But the manager takes a look at her and simply responds “I’m sorry, ma’am. He’s too far in…”
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it.
It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”
After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store.
The voice continues, “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” Saul asks why, but the booming voice insist, “Saul, take the $3 million to any casino in Las Vegas.”
Saul obeys and goes to a casino.
Voice says, “Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” Saul hesitates, but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
“Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has- “TAKE A CARD!” Saul then tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace; Nineteen. He breathes easy.
“Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” Saul proceeds and asks for another card. It’s another ace. He now has twenty.
“Saul, take another card,” the booming voice commands. But i have twenty!!! says, Saul. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!!” says the booming voice.
Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace; twenty one.
The booming voice goes, “un-f*cking-believable!”
Once me and four friends was out, bored, and we couldn’t get our hands on any wee*, and all the stores was closed, so beer was out of the question. We walked and discussed, what to do, what to do. At some point one of my friends had the idea, that maybe, we should through eggs at cars, just for the hell of it, and we all got pompt on the idea. So we went home to each and one of us, and collected all the eggs we had, and took some dark clothes on, so we couldn’t get identified easily, and we made a pact. No gang members, and no cars with toned windows.
So walked around to try and find a good place to hide, and we finally found a good spot, at a bus stop next to a public school. So we went on rounds, we threw the eggs at buses, cars with girls, and we had a good time, we felt like kids again.
Now it was my turn. I felt like I was nine years old again.
A car stopped to make a left-turn right in front of me. I thought to my self, what a perfect chance, at a perfect throw. The car was red, with stripes, and I didn’t think about it, so I threw the egg. P-E-R-F-E-C-T hit. Landed right in the middle of the front window.
But my happiness was short lived, because suddenly all I heard was WRUM WRUM, and my friend shouted RUN.
We split.
The car chased us, through the schools green area behind the bus stop, one of my friends nearly got hit, but decided to jump through the bushes, and got back to the open road and escaped, by hidding in my moms backyard. Me and two of my other friends got to the road as well, me, a chubby guy and a black guy. No challenge, the black guy was gone, he ran for his life. We ran all we could and we passed a bank, I got pretty far away, when all of a sudden I heard the word HELP, I looked back. And sure enough, he was caught.
I came down, and thought to my self, dude chill, its only some f’ing eggs.
I went back to my friend, and when I came close. Sure enough, Bandidos.
The rocker took me by my arm, while his friend hold my friend. He told me, he wanted the money, and now.
I called my friends, no one picked up the phone. The rocker told, he would take us to his chapter if we couldn’t get the money. I panic. I called my uncle, he picked up and came instantly… Well after calling my mom. She came too.
They got their money, and we went home, and my uncle called his friends, and picked up a rifle, but too late, my mom already called the cops.
Now me, and my four friends was getting interviewed by the cops, but we weren’t stupid. But my mom demanded we told them as much as we could, and the cops said, that they could get our money back, and since we had also made a felony, charging them would be stupid. So we told about the car.
30 min later the cops came back with the money, minus what they rocker needed to wash his car. And me and my friends could go.
And that my friend, was one funny night in perspective, and lucky too, but I guess one should have been there.
> > I don’t get it, why wait til next week to give someone a code? Sounds fishy.
>
> I wont lie. I knew someone would say this but i’m being very serious.
I never implied you were lying at all. I was just curious as to why there would be a wait.
A White Colored Spartan falls in the mud.
Just think about it.
Poor guy. 
