Hello, writing community.
Welcome to the 3rd Writing Competition results and feedback thread.
First off, thanks to everyone who entered, it was very much appreciated.
Sometimes characters are your best weapon, so treat them with respect. Or not.
Here are the results, complete with some feedback.
Due to WrittenPoppy662 being banned and already holding a badge, his/her placing will no longer be considered.
1. L377UC3 (Badge Winner)
Despite some flaws, I quite like this story. You’ve taken in what was in the criteria and have fitted this into your story. The opening is both obvious and mysterious. I get the impression that the dust is overwhelming but also allows clarity and peace, and the subtext is a nice touch and provides motivation for the protagonist. The dialogue is a little clunky and awkward at times, but overall it’s a decent effort.
2. ONI Recon Bravo (Badge Winner)
Not a bad story overall, but I feel it’s missing something, an element to make me go “Wow, I didn’t see that coming”. The good thing is that it stays away from a descriptive opening and maintains a good pace throughout. But it does get a bit dialogue heavy towards the end, and plays out like a game of verbal tennis. But it does keep me engaged.
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Sam Moony (Badge Winner)
This is decent story, well balanced in terms of dialogue and exposition. But the opening paragraph is straight from the early nineties. I can almost hear ‘Robocop: part man, part machine, all cop.’ I would have started with a reworded second paragraph. Something like: Alan Matthews couldn’t feel a thing…. This way, you’re inviting the reader in, as they’ll be wondering why he can’t feel anything, but then don’t spoil that opening by explain exactly why he’s numb. Allow the reader to interpret the information you give them.)
In no particular order, The Longlist:
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Chemical DDevil Not a bad balance here between dialogue and exposition. Unfortunately the opening paragraph doesn’t entice. Instead we open with walking. Use the opening paragraph to grab the reader and keep them there. And there’s quite a lot of ‘tell’ and not enough ‘show’ here. Don’t explain everything for the reader, allow them to interpret what’s being said, or the body language being displayed, or the state of the environment they are reading about.
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<strong>USS Galactica</strong> Not a bad opening, but a little too casual. Instead, try putting the reader on edge or draw them in with some personal dialogue and exposition, making them feel for the characters. That way, they’ll be reluctant to put the story down and will instead want to see it through to the bitter end. And be careful how you describe things. In the story you state the woman must be a hundred feet tall, and you go on to say this is an exaggeration. There’s no need. Bring the stated height down and compare with something familiar, so the reader instinctively knows that you’re exaggerating. Try something like this: ‘Her height would put a Mantis out of businesses.’ Or something similar. It’s an obvious exaggeration, but is vague enough to allow the reader to see the inaccuracy. Hence the reason why a certain character in the Game of Thrones books (A Song of Ice and Fire) is called ‘The Mountain’.
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NightFallMonkey I find this story to be quite confusing. And the opening statement is where it starts to confuse me. It’s an odd situation, with lots of negative reinforcement: ‘She was not my daughter; I am no spook.’ It doesn’t start confidently. Be bold. The opening statement can be mysterious, but here I’m left wondering if the characters know anything at all. That’s probably not the way in which you see it, so it’s important that you get your point across in the very first paragraph, so the reader knows roughly where they stand, what the tone of the story is, and a rough idea of the situation.
Conversely, the second paragraph is much better, with some great description, but it does dive a little too heavily into telling and not showing. For instance, I’d just stick with Mike saying ‘To the fallen’. This allows the reader to understand that he’s lost people before, and that they mean something to him. So there’s no need to list the dead. At least not yet. Don’t overwhelm the reader with information.
- SteelBubbaB Never start a story with one of four things: someone walking, someone staring, someone pacing, or someone cooking. The list is actually longer but we’ll keep it at four for now. Here, Lt. Graves is doing that all too familiar thing of walking.
There’s a reason published authors don’t start stories like that, because they’re not very interesting. This is where it’s important to read over your material several times. Why would the reader want to read on? That’s what you have to ask yourself. You start with someone walking, then he enters a hangar, then you tell me about him, then you tell me about Harvest, then you tell me what else he’s doing. There’s way too much tell, and not enough show. You need to make the story more engaging. It’s okay to describe the setting, just don’t open with it. Take a look at the opening chapter to a best-selling science fiction novel and look at how that story begins, how they engage the reader.
The story itself comes across as very casual, as though it’s just another day at the office. I never feel as though there’s a lot at stake here, despite knowing the history of Harvest and the human-Covenant war. I feel this piece has put the lore before the characters, and that’s impossible to relate to. Instead, define your characters first, then fit the story around them.
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Sorikai33 The story starts out well, opening with a good statement. But the pacing falters due to the passive writing after that, which then gives way to a chunk of dialogue which seems to have been airdropped into place. I’m guessing this was a fairly spontaneous story. It needs to be more balanced, seamlessly going from exposition to dialogue and back again).
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Sin SHOOT2KILL The story starts out well, but then becomes utterly unbelievable and the characters aren’t very realistic. Try looking at the Game of Thrones books, there’s some great examples of betrayal in them.
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Solis Argentum Another piece with a descriptive opening. Everything here is very passive. By that I mean the writing is very passive. Everything is being described to me, for me. I feel like there’s nothing left for me to discover. Instead, provide more dialogue and don’t describe everything away until there’s nothing left for me to discover. Look at best-selling sci-fi novels, and how they begin
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Waya Adanvdo 8 Not a bold enough opening paragraph. Try and stay away from adjective-related openings. Instead, make a bold statement to grab the attention of the reader. All I’m being told here is that you’re opening a rusty door and then putting the prisoner inside. It needs to be more interesting than just opening a door. The story itself is also too complicit in nature. There’s no antagonistic element. It all seems very calm and reassuring. I never feel as though anyone or anything is at risk.
As per the competition rules, the top three will receive a forum badge in reflection of their efforts.
Next month will be our fourth writing competition. You’ll be facing something that several writers here love using: dialogue.
Well earned!